Questions (a poem)

All I want
Is an answer
A call back
To many many years
All I want
Is some closer
So I can finally tell the truth
I want to be able
To trust my words
Without any setbacks
Any talking back
Please tell me the truth
So I can live without any more
Reasons to not answer
I want an answer
To my questions
Tell me the truth
It'll only hurt me more without knowing
Wishing for something you never heard of
Wanting the truth more then my own safety
Tell me the an answer
What's going on?
Is it all so complicated?
If I knew the truth
I'd know how to deal with my questions
Stupid questions

AAAAARRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On top of this whole Stephen thing I also have a SUCKY FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha, if you only had read "AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!" and "SUCKY FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You might want to go back and read the sentence in between...

UGH OK so MORGAN is obviously the "sucky friend" I'm referring to. I read the book TTYL and TTFN and let bee, Rachel, and Morgan borrow it to read it too. Now guess what? They're absolutely obsessed with it. Now, 'Maddy' is Bee, 'Zoey' is Morgan, and 'Angela' is Rachel. Um... do you see me in there? No, you don't, because there's only three of them. Even though I suggested it to them, I'M NOT IN THEIR LITTLE GROUP. You know, when I was reading the books, Morgan wasn't even in it.

Oh wait, correction. I am in the group. Guess who I am thanks to Morgan? PELT WOMAN. Just read the books, it's too hard to explain... and kinda gross.

ALSO my friends and I are exchanging gifts this x-mas. Of course, I'm going to get each of them a nice present. Guess what everyone else is doing? They're teaming up and getting me a gift. "Oh my god, don't tell me it's underwear." I said to Morgan.

Rachel and Morgan exchanged looks, "Um.. well, kinda."

Today, "Rachel, seriously, did you guys plan on getting me underwear?"

"Um, maybe, yes, no, OK, kinda?"

"Rachel.."

"Yeah..."

"Ugh."

Yay, well I sure can't wait for Christmas.

Alright, I know it's been awhile.

My whole family's been really busy thinking lately. Do you remember my 'Uncle' Stephen who I went to see when our family went RVing to Colorado? Well, it turns out I can no longer trust my eyes.

Stephen, the happiest, nicest, smartest, altogether WONDERFUL PERSON, comited suicide two weeks ago now. No one knows what the heck happened in his head that would make him think to do this, but apparently he'd planned it from a year ago. No one saw it coming.

There are some clues that show that he might have some negative thoughts; he had lost his job, he didn't have a boyfriend. Yeah, two. But there were probably more that he didn't let anyone else know. My mom said he didn't like to share a lot about himself, so that shows a lot.

I just can't believe it. He was so nice! I loved him so much. I wanted to live with him when i went to collage, I wanted to visit him with my mom sometime, he was in my future.

My mom's talking about it now. It's just so confusing. I can't really express it right, it's so... complicatingly simple. It's so simple, no one can figure it out. Did he just not want to live? His sister called my mom and said she saw him and he had a very peaceful look on his face.

Just... why did it have to be him? The greatest person in the world had to die. And, willingly.

Ugh, but my life can't stop for him.

Today pretty much sucked. Actually it totally sucked. For one, my iTunes gift card STILL doesn't work. I've had it for three days and it hasn't been activated. I swear if i ever see that casheer again I'll be like, "Excuse me, last time I came here you didn't activate my card. Is it activated yet? Huh, PUNK?!" Haha, no really.

Everything else that happened today made standing in front of a train sound appealing. First of all I woke up to my sister Katie's friend over. The worst part about that was I was starving, my hair was literally standing straight up, i had drool all over my face, and I hadn't taken a shower since yesterday morning. Yay. Then dad wouldn't make me a pancake until he had his six waffles, bacon, sausage, eggs, and orange juice, which took him at least half an hour to finish. As the day went on I thought I might be able to survive, when dad started nagging on me about my homework for the sixteen billionth time. "I just want to make sure you get it done is all!" He said like I was being so horrible. "Dad I've never not done my stupid homework! You can't even trust me to hold a remote, let alone do my own homework! Dad I don't need you to watch my every stankn' move! I'm not two years old!" I yelled at him. Madie walks in, "Oh my god it's the end of the world! Emma do you know how easy your life is right now? I can't wait until you're like me." She always says this. This was the only time I've ever not responded by saying, "Madie you know your life was like mine when you were my age so why do you have to take that away from me? You act like I'm the only one that's ever not been like this!" But I was too mad to say anything and ran into the TV room crying. There, mom was sitting knitting. "What's wrong?" silence. "I don't see why you're in such a bad mood! No one did anything to you!"

And then the rest doesn't even matter because it was all pretty much the same way the whole day from there. One fake "sorry" from Madie was all the sympathy I got for the rest of the day.

You have no idea how happy I am that today's ending.

Things to do

· Write a to do list

· Done.

· Make a very long list

· Get money

· (we'll see about that last one)

· write a book

· two words

· whipped

· cream

· get a half-way decent screen saver that ISN'T of snoopy

· finally convince madie to make a music video

· finally convince mom to write a book

· clean room

· number 4 is completed!

· Finish everything on this list

· How am I supposed to finish "two words?"

· Awesome cats

· "two words" is completed

· whipped and cream is completed

· well, basically I just ate the whipped cream so… whatever.

My biggest fear is probably leaving.

I can't even go on a three day trip without crying. What about leaving forever? I know, that's not for awhile and crap, but still. What if I'm not ready?

That's why I want to go to Colorado for a year and live with my "uncle" Stephen. He offered it to me last time we were in Colorado. It was kinda just like, "hey and you could stay with me for a year too! That'd be fun. Anyway so then-" but still. Anyway while I'm there I could get citizen ship, and going to Boulder would count as a state collage and be cheaper. Also in that year I could get used to being on my own and being away from home. It'd work... but I'm probably not going to want to do that. Knowing me I'll want to just be like everyone else and just START. Starting has never been easy for me though.

It took me until second grade to stop crying at school for my mom. It took me five years to find some half decent friends. And I'm yet to find a boyfriend. The list is yet to end too.

Anyway, I kinda what to start a Vlog but I won't get any views... kinda like this blog. SO I'm gonna wait until I have more confidence. Or until this blog FINALLY takes off (don't hold your breath) then I'll tell everyone that reads this to go onto youtube and find me and I'll be a youtuber! But, you know... that might not happen for awhile.

So the extermination on Morgan isn't going anywhere. I'm still trying to get rid of her but you know... I don't even know. She doesn't really talk to me so I don't know if I should just TOTALLY ignore her or just let it be and see how it all lays out. Ugh, you know what, I don't even care anymore. She can do what she wants. Why do I have to care about everything? YOU CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING EMMA!

Choppy. Sentences. Are. My. Weakness. Deal with it.

It's amazing how a name can change a life.

Of corse... only his name can. I said his name yesterday, over and over and over again. I fell a little bit more in love with him.

I was doubting how much I love him. I felt like if it's not going anywhere, why waist your time waiting? But I can't stop. I'm addicted. He is what gets me through the day. He's always there, even if I make half of him up. He's not Prince Charming, but I've never liked that kind of guy anyway. He's nice, and he cares about me. I think.

It's weird, he's like my brother. I'd be hurt if he ever was in pain, I'd help him if he needed help. I'm even happy for him when he has a good girlfriend. He isn't mean to me and he respects me. He's not a genius, and he knows it. He doesn't pretend to be anything he's not. He's completely solid. His life isn't easy to do good in, with a all around "bad kid" brother, a mom who's not very responsible, and an adopted little sister. But he gets along without complaining. I hope he knows I'll always be there for him.

His name flows off my tongue without an effort. Sometimes it's hard to stop saying it. It's that melt-in-your-mouth kind of name, it doesn't take long for you to fall in love with it. I can never get enough. I try to disguise it in everyday conversations, which is easy, his family is a very hot topic in our house.

I stood at the bus stop today, even though it's Saturday. Too many memories took place there, I had to stop and meet them again.

OK, don't tell anyone.

I'm starting to like my friends. *gasp!* Well... OK I'm still hating Morgan but I'm really getting more close to Rachel and Bee. I didn't tell you but I had a sleepover with them on Friday last week. Rachel and I really had a great time. Morgan was meaner then she's ever been to me, actually saying what she didn't like about me in front of my back. Bee went along with Morgan a little but otherwise was really awesome.

I'm getting rid of Morgan. Exterminating her. I swear, if they made "Morgan Spray" I would SO buy it. She just drives me nuts! I can't stand her! She's SO mean, yet everyone likes her. She gets ALL the guys, and the nicest, cutest guy in school LOVES her. She's smart and pretty and she takes a good picture. I swear, is that really all it takes to get a boyfriend?

The world's just so screwed up now. To get a guy you have to be pretty. To get good grades you have to be the teacher's favorite. To have friends you have to pretend to be someone you're not. To live you have to keep your deepest secrets secret or you'll be ruined forever.

Why is it always so hard? Being a good person should be enough, why all the extra crap? Do you really have to be pretty to get ahead in life now a days? In that case, I better go to mars, because earth isn't just about living anymore. Now living means friends, beauty, and money. Three things that are hard to get.

All I really want is for people to think I'm nice. I think some people do... some. Select few think I'm nice. And those people only think I am because they've never seen any other side of me.

My biggest question right now is though, why is Morgan so mean to me? What have I done wrong anyway? I be myself (something she hates), I try to be nice (something she ignores), I try to be funny (something she thinks is being "weird"). Sometimes I do what she does to me, yes. One time I tripped her in the hallway like she's done to me a million times. Reaction: A look like she's going to cut my head off right then and there, an upturned nose, and a smile toward the nearest guy. Then she doesn't talk to me for the rest of the day and tells everyone about how mean I was to her.

I'm going to kill that kid.

Halloween sucked.

It started off with dad making sure he ruined everything. First he argued with me about the stupidest things, "don't get that much candy! Just get the bad crap they don't need that stuff!" then, "you know when I was a kid we only turned on the inside lights..." I know it sounds so stupid, and it was, but it just drove me INSANE! Then when the porch lights weren't on mom looked at me and yelled, "EMMA I TOLD YOU TO TURN ON THE LIGHTS WHY DIDN'T YOU? God you know you've been in such a bad mood today! Now you won't even listen!" then I got really mad because all that time I was trying to tell her what really happened and said, "Mom you know you should probably listen to my reasons before you go blaming me!!!!" she was quiet for awhile then yelled back, "I wasn't blaming you! I'm mad at your father!! God you know what? You're not going to have Devon over! You're in such a bad mood you wouldn't have any fun!" me, "Maybe I would be in a good mood if people didn't get me mad! I wasn't in a bad mood to start with!" Then she went and yelled at dad for awhile.

Yay. Why is it that none of my holidays are fun? They're always ruined because of my mom and dad saying, "You're in such a bad mood." and canceling any fun I was supposed to have, if any.

So anyway later on that night when I was finally doing what I wanted to do on halloween, watching all the lame "scary" movies on TV, dad comes in, takes the remote from me and changes it to a stupid war movie. I start to cry. God, I should really get better at emotions.

"Oh stop crying, you weren't watching anything anyway." I want to kill that man sometimes. Why does he have to ruin everything for me? It's like he wants me to hate him.

And today he said, "Ok you can have the TV for now but I'm going to watch football in there at 3:00" It was only 12 so I said ok. Half an hour later he comes in, takes the remote away and changes it to football. "You said you didn't need the TV until 3:00 dad, can't I watch it until then?" Nothing. "Why don't you get dressed instead of just sitting around in your pajamas all day and do something?" Says the man in his sweatpants eating cheese and crackers. I wanted to say, "Why don't you get dressed and do your work like you're supposed to do?" But instead I just sat there.

Just now he was cleaning up the TV room, because Katie had a sleepover in there last night, and held up this huge purple arm rest thing and said, "Is this your junk?" I kinda mumbled, "no it's Katie's." Five seconds later, "I ASKED YOU IF THIS WAS YOURS!" I yell back, "I JUST SAID NO IT'S KATIE'S DAD!" and ran out the room saying, "God do you have to ruin EVERYTHING for me?!?" And ran up to my room where I am now. Dad followed behind saying, "Jeez, why don't you take a nap or something?!"

I think he just knocked on my door... "Go away." Silence... Oh crap I think that was my mom. Oh well she can ask dad what's wrong. Knocking again, "Emma?" It's mom. "What mom?" "Can I see you for a second?" "Why?" "Because I want to see your face?" ... "Please?" ... "Emma please?" "Why mom?" "Because!" "Fine then." ... Why hasn't she come in?... "Mom ok come in." The door opens, she stands at the doorway looking at me for a second. My head's down, tears falling from my face... She walks in, "Are you crying because your room's such a mess? I know that makes me cry." silence... god I hope she's joking. I look up at her, she's barely smiling. I hope she knows that really didn't help. I just sit there on my bed. "What's wrong?" "Dads ruined all of today and yesterday! It's like he lives to make me mad! Why does he have to be so mean? He yells at me for no reason and makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong ALL THE TIME even if I'm not even DOING anything!" She thinks. I know she's felt this before. "Well you just have to learn to ignore him." I gave her that advise. God mom, way to be original, "otherwise you'll go insane. Hey have you seen my pin cushion?" "I don't care about your stupid pin cushion." I say. She looks at me, I can tell she's thinking, "god lighten up. just answer the question" like I think when she talks about dad. I hate being in her shoes. "No." I say again. "Well I'd really like to find it. I worry about it." I hope I'm not the pin cushion... then again I don't think she'd think of that technique. "Nope..." I say, still crying. Why is she asking me these stupid questions? "You sure?" she's looking in my closet/ the place where she keeps all HER stuff. I just love all my privacy. "Mom, just--" I stop myself. I start to cry harder. "Ok... do you want to do something with me?" should I? No, I'll have to see dad if I do. "I don't know... like what?" "I don't know... bake something?" Oh god... come on Emma... cookies? No... no she'll not actually do it with me. And anyway dad would comment something mean if I went into the kitchen. "I don't know..." "I'm not mad at you you know..." Mom, I know that! Just go away... I don't think I'll reply... "Well if you get sick of being alone I'm down stairs." She leaves.

I hear her foot steps as she goes downstairs.

Oh god... I'm already getting sick of being alone... maybe I'll get dressed and ask to go to Red Wing with her? Maybe... she might say no though. I'm getting hungry... she offered to make cookies...? Ugh, no I already said no to that, and anyway she'd probably say, "I don't know if we have enough of everything to make them..." and then I'd be stuck watching football with my dad. Not really something I'm up for so far... I know, I'll call my own house from Madie's cell phone, ask for her, and then say, "Mom, it's Emma... could we go to Red Wing?" ... no that's lame... I'll just get dressed and suck it up I guess.... I have 30$ in my wallet right now... I'll ask to go to Red Wing.

I trip. I fall. I swim. I sink.

Something great happened to me today.

I'm sarcastic of course.

Today I was running next to Morgan. I knew something bad was going to happen, since Morgan never stays next to me. I was just about to start sprinting when Morgan trips me causing me to fall face first into the ground. It's even worse then it sounds too. I actually landed in the middle of taking a step so I landed while moving (in case you didn't catch that). I skidded on my elbow, scraping my elbow so bad it felt like the dirt was biting me. My legs sticking far out behind me, Morgan comes running a step behind and she trips on my feet, she falls head first too. Funny thing is, she was in the middle of laughing and pointing at me when she fell.

I love when Carma does my work for me.

OK so right now a fight is among us.

Well, not you, me. And for once it's not between my dad and mom, it's between my dad and HIS mom.

I forgot to add a secret to my last post,

43. Another thing that's wrong with my family, everyone thinks my grandma (grammy) is insane.

"IS THIS THE WAY YOU WANT TO END YOUR LIFE? YOU'RE 80 YEARS OLD! [fade out] I DO NOT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!!! [fade out] WHY DON'T YOU JUST SELL YOUR HOUSE, AND STAY OUT OF EVERYBODY ELSES BUSINESS? [fade out] YOU DON'T CARE EITHER! IT'S LIKE YOU EXIST TO BOTHER PEOPLE!" ........ Oh, wow... "YOU DRIVE PEOPLE NUTS! OK! THAT'S WHAT YOU DO! AND WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS JUST RELAX!! [fade out] YOU'RE A LIAR! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED! YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING! YOU DON'T KNOW *@#$!!!!"... OK sure she's a pain but she's not that ba-- "!@#$ @#$%!" ...

...

...

DOT DOT DOT.

I personally don't think grams is that bad. I know she's a pain but this dang family doesn't know how to except how people are and MOVE ON!

But I have to say, she sent me an email telling me that my dad has a drinking problem, "he's allergic to alcohol like he is to scallops..." and, "you have to say to him, 'dad I think you've had enough'. He'll listen to you." But I didn't reply, "OH MY GOD GRAMMY YOU'RE SO WRONG!" because what would that do? Nothing. So I replied, "Love you too Grammy. Love, Emma". How hard is that?

And maybe dad has a problem but it's not a big PROBLEM. He controls it sometimes better then my mom.

But anyway I guess it's just something I have to except. And I am excepting it.

One thing at a time.

Things You Probably Don't Know

What's that? ^^^ up there? A TITLE? Since when!?!

Well, don't get too excited. It's just this time! I'm going to tell you all the little things that I don't think anyone knows... except I think Madie knows a lot of these...?

1. I never really learned how to play the drums, even though I'm in percussion...
2. I have a hard time making my hands look pretty
3. I have emotional issues... not really a flaw because I can't help it (pretty sure I should have a doctor for that...)
4. I get homesick a lot
5. I say I'm myself at school but I don't really know who "myself" really is
6. I've always been jealous of people who can play piano. Sure I quit but I actually PHYSICALLY couldn't play. My body fought it like a bad cold that wouldn't go away.
7. I've always found tea cups annoying
8. Who even really drinks tea in a tea cup?
9. OK that last one wasn't really a secret... (neither is this one.)
10. I've always had a secret desire to be an artist, but never told anyone because I suck at art
11. When I'm sick I insist on making people think I'm REALLY sick even if it's just a bad cold
12. I have a goal in life to never drink alcohol... TOO LATE!! Ha ha just kidding.
13. I wish I didn't have to hide myself from my mom because I think she might not approve
14. I don't know why she wouldn't approve, I just don't think she would.
15. Herbal Life doesn't really taste like anything I just like the thought, "I'm drinking a diet drink!"
16. I hate everyone of my friends except for Rachel
17. This is why I don't tell my friends about my blog...
18. I've always hated that thought of beer. The first thing that comes into my mind is middle aged fat hillbillies wearing shirts that only cover half of their stomach and have hairy HUGE stomachs. Just sayn'.
19. I cried at dinner last night. That was when I discovered that I have a emotional problem.
20. OK I knew before that but I was reassured last night.
21. I don't think I'm really the age I am
22. Ever read The Giver? His job aged him and I think my life has aged me.... but not my body... JUST READ THE BOOK.
23. I don't understand how parents don't "Have a favorite". How can you not?
24. When I asked my mom who her favorite was and if it was me she replied, "Well Emma, you're the youngest so you're special..." I never fond out if that was a good or bad thing...?
25. (this one isn't a secret it's just a fact) I met a famous author Friday night. She signed my book and told me to keep writing. Of course she's told millions of people that but OH WELL!
26. In my dream house it has a tree growing through it, glass floors that you can see fish through, and a library with thousands of books and shelves and one of those ladders that roll around of the shelves.
27. I love the show Hey Arnold! from the 90's-2000's
28. A book I think I'll always remember is Speak
29. A song I'll always remember is And I Love Her by The Beatles because I have memories of my dad rocking me in a rocking chair and singing it to me
30. I feel very protective of my dad ever since he had a concussion last year
31. I have absolutely no idea how to ice skate
32. This might be a good thing though, because if I ever have a boyfriend and we go skating he'd have to teach me
33. Hopefully this mystery man doesn't have temper problems...
34. I actually like Volly-ball better then tennis but I'm going to have to do tennis next year or mom and dad will be mad... even though I'm starting to really not like tennis
35. I don't hate tennis I just don't LOVE tennis like they think I do
36. My favorite fruit is a grape
37. Belly Buh-en.
38. They guy I like might be going emo and I really miss the old him... if he's even changed.
39. I really want a younger sibling, shhhh!!! It's too late now though... :(
40. I feel I was born to be a mother
41. After about 4th grade my face did this weird morph thing and now I look nothing like I did when I was little... I don't know if that's a good thing...? I think so...???
42. There's some things I can't even admit to myself in my head
43. I really like to write poetry and I hope to have a poetry book published
44. I'm going to write a memoir

That's pretty much it.

Ok, I'm really loving this whole new life I'm trying to live.

So yesterday... OK, before yesterday... I decided that I was going to try to be nicer to people. Not that I was a bad person or anything (crossing fingers... haha), it's just that since Morgana so evilly put me onto the list of mean girls in the school, I feel as though I should try to prove all the people in my grade wrong. I know, hold the applause.

OK so maybe it's not as genius as you were expecting. Oh well.

ANYWAY, so today I was working on it. Not gonna lie, the people in my grade don't make it a lot easier. "Sorry Emma I woke up late today. Time went right past me." Monica said after turning up late for Crossing Guard this morning. OH NO PROBLEM!! I'm perfectly fine standing here in the rain wearing this huge rain poncho with this horrible bright orange vest alone. No worries. Monica was supposed to be on the sidewalk by the school with me at 8:00 so the people that walk to school can cross the street safely. She turned up at 8:15. Only 10 minutes until we have to go to class. "That's OK! I know time goes by fast!" I tried to say. I don't think she could see my eyes though. Otherwise she could have seen them screaming, "I HATE MY LIFE!!!" So then I had to hear possibly the longest story I have ever heard in my entire life about her excuse all in monotone. Apparently it's too hard to show expression while talking. I swear. She doesn't even make her voice slightly get higher when she asks a question or is excited. Never.

But otherwise it's been going pretty well. I think I made a new....

Nevermind.

*Don't say friend Emma don't say friend. Acquaintance? No... more then that... buddy? No, that's lame... um...*

So now you know exactly how I think. Interesting? I THINK NOT! Ha ha yeah... I don't know...

*... Now what do I do...? OH I know! I'll go eat something!*

I'm swear I'm gonna get fat.

Today was my grandma (Besta's) 80th birthday. Everything was going fine, the dinner was good, no one was yelling yet, it was all good. So, after dinner my dad got out the cake, lit the candles and started singing, when a kodak moment is born. My dad, in mid "Happy Birthday" drops the cake. It was hilarious. Cake was all over the floor, on the cookbooks, everywhere. My first thought was, "Oh my god. There were LIT CANDLES on that cake!!" so I walk over, see that there isn't a fire, and burst out laughing! My mom leaves the room right away to go 'blow off some steam' out side. (I swear I could hear a faint F word from the mudroom.)

So I just thought I'd share that with you. My mom was pretty mad though. She hasn't spoken to dad ever since. I don't exactly get that though because it was an accident and Besta hardly looked upset. Ha ha!! As I told you, something always goes wrong... but this is a good kinda of wrong.

I'm so recording birthdays from now on.

I've been getting into the Halloween spirit lately. I decorated brownies with a powdered sugar spiderweb, and I've been picniking some photos to look like Halloween. So that's been fun.

I've been trying (stress TRYING) to tell my mom more about myself but she always acts like she disapproves. Well, more like she just makes it about her. So I'm almost giving up that because it's not taking me anywhere.

I'm falling less and less in love with him. I don't know why. I saw him on the bus not that long ago and he looked all emo. At first, not gonna lie, I was kinda happy to picture myself with an emo dude, but then he didn't talk to me and the image turned into him just passing me by in the hallway. Disappointment lurks in the air... (Halloween spirit just bursts out of me it's great!)

Anyway, so that's what's been happening to me in the last few weeks.

Fun fun.

It's pouring out. Minnesota's usually really beautiful, today it's more then that. It's absolutely gorgeous. No just kidding I just really wanted to say that! It is pouring though. But I don't know, it could be gorgeous out. I haven't looked out the window in awhile. Well, this has been interesting...

Today was alright. I'm still being ignored by Bee. She won't tell me some thing's she promised she would. Like who she was dating for awhile, why she was sad last night, AND where she was the whole day. Certainly not with Rachel and me that's for sure. UGH I'M SICK OF THIS!!! Seriously though, it really sucks. Madi Dwel hasn't stopped asking "where did you get that?" ever since after my birthday and I'm trying this new thing were I don't lie or be AS sarcastic to people. They stopped knowing when I was kidding last year and I lost all my guy friends. (No thanks to Morgan...)

I don't know if I've told you but Morgan sucks. Oh I have told you? Well I'm telling you again. She sucks, she sucks, she sucks, she sucks. She's the reason I lost so many of my guy friends. Also reducing my chances of ever having a boyfriend. Ever. She makes me feel like a bad person infront of everyone. She always says to me, "Haha, Emma, he said the boys stand up! Why haven't you stood up yet?" stupid immature things, but everyone laughs and says, "yeah" and gangs up on me. But when I say, "Morgan, why aren't you standing?!" everyone looks at me like I'm an idiot. "Jeez Emma," god, I hate the world.

"And I was like, why are you so obsessed with me?" Morgan's favorite song, Obsessed. (she wishes)

I actually had a pretty good day today. Except for the bad news I received after phy ed. today, except the fact that I ran the mile in 10 minutes and 13 seconds, Ms. Marin died this morning. Ms. Marin was the spanish teacher until she got cancer all over her body. The saddest part is though, that last year she thought it was gone, so her and her husband tried to have a baby. When they both went into the doctor to read the pregnancy test, the doctor found that the cancer had come back. Ever since then she's been suffering at her house. All this last summer she's been wanting to die. Yeah, I know pretty horrible.

So this morning my teacher announced that she died this morning. Yeah. So that provoked some depressing thoughts into my mind about death. It was grand. I'm totally not depressed now.

Anyway, otherwise my day was pretty good. I actually felt like I had friends! I KNOW IT'S AMAZING! So now I'm not as mad at the world as I was yesterday I guess. OH and a good thing is that (I think yesterday) Madi and Emma Gnote, decorated my locker. Late, yes, but they still did it! Emma and I have to share a locker. We call it the Emma locker. It's just like third grade all over again.

Right now I'm sitting in my really random "pajamas" that are more like something a person with no clothes but leggings, a sweater, t-shirt, and shorts would wear. That person would be me, of corse.

My music supply is pretty awesome though right now. Not gonna lie I'm seriously loving it. It consists of Ingrid Michaelson, A Fine Frenzy, Glee, The Fray, Priscilla Ahn, and some other people. If you don't know about these people, seriously look it up. They're all amazing.

Just sayn'.

My birthday's tomorrow. The only reason that last comment didn't end with 10 exclamation points is because birthdays never turn out right for me. Sure, I get the presents and the cake and everyone in my family remembers it, but I almost ALWAYS end up crying. Either because of something stupid like Katie won't let me eat the first piece of cake, or because even though it's my birthday no one treats me any different. Maybe this year will be different, I don't exactly know yet, but I can just see it happening.

Since I'm the littlest and no one but Madie really knows who the heck I REALLY am, events like birthdays don't go well. Homecoming was Friday and no one payed any attention to me. I was in the little social circle, I talked when people talked to me, I even started conversations at some points, but no one cared. Now my birthday's coming up and I don't even think anyone will write on my facebook wall. Oh wait... one person, Alexa, wrote on my wall. "Happy Birthday Emmy!"... yay. My name's not "Emmy" and I'm pretty sure she hates me! Not even my best friends have written on my wall yet.

So that's pretty much the story of my life right there. I know I've said that a million times but hey, I have a pretty dang long life.

Other then that tidbit nothing but bad things have really been happening in the last month. Natalie (she's on youtube, www.youtube.com/communitychannel if you want to watch her videos) hasn't made a video in 2 months so I barely laugh anymore, my friends ignore me or complain about me, I've been realizing that no one likes me, I had another bad sleepover with Morgan on Friday, I slept bad last night because I was at my grandma's house, and the icing on the cake is that I've been noticing that even my best friends probably don't even like me.

Don't ask me why my best friends hate me, I don't have a clue. Ever since this year started my friends have been acting like they're so cool. I guess they've finally noticed that I'm about the most "uncool" person in school. Aeropostale is the only thing they wear and one of the few things I don't so, I'm out. And it's not only my best friends, it's the entire school apparently. Except select people who are nuts and actually talk to me. Those people are at the bottom of the social "cool" ladder along with me. Sadly, all those people are really mean and don't even know my name. "Hey, um... yeah, can you pass me the *insert object name here*?" Is pretty much as interesting as our conversations get.

OK, maybe people don't hate me but they certainly don't like me. But I don't take too much offense to it because people around here have barely stepped outside their front door let alone out of the state of Minnesota. Ugh, it's just annoying a guess.

Also I bought a really awesome fall coat not that long ago but guess what? I can't wear it to school because a little person called Madi Dwel will buy it if she sees it. Just like she did with my shirt, my winter jacket, my shoes, my backpack, my purse, my airstream trailer, oh yeah, and my FRIENDS. And with all those things she bought because I did, guess who gets complimented on all of them? HER. HER HER HER HER HER because she's pretty, smart, and for some reason SHE'S the one who gets the credit for looking cute at school with MY clothes. I wear them and this is the world's reaction, "Oh hey... Emma... nice shirt... anyway so I was like--" and then Madi comes along with the same outfit, "OH MY GOD MADI WHERE'D YOU GET THAT SHIRT, COAT, JACKET, PURSE, AND SHOES??? I LOVE THEM!!!" and she smiles and blushes and gets a boyfriend the next day. My. Life. Sucks.

You know what's worse then a clock that says the wrong time? Blinking clocks. Why don't they just turn off or on? Who thought of making it blink so it gets your attention? Well, it works! You've succeeded, I've gone insane. I know what you're thinking, "Oh really Emma? Did you just go insane?" and this time I have to admit that you're right. Yes, I'm far past insane, so far past that I'm standing on the horizon. (Yes, I know it's impossible to know when you're there. But that's kinda the point.)

Anyway, it's my dad's birthday today. He's 51, but don't tell him that. He's not celebrating it at all. He doesn't want anything for a present, he doesn't want a cake, he doesn't even want to open presents or anything! I think he's in denial. Just to prove he's still young he's going to go water skiing this weekend. Don't say I didn't tell him not to. I did. 75 times.

Birthdays aren't a big deal though. "I think they are honey! It's a celebration of life! I believe we should-" and I zone out. Yeah yeah, celebration of life, yadda yadda be happy about your age, blah blah blah, that's what it's all about isn't it? Yeah, sure mom. Whatever you say.

It's not that I don't agree! But I just don't need to be told.

AnyWHO, dance is starting Tuesday and I cannot wait! I miss dance SO much! I feel bad, though, because I stretched a lot last year and I haven't in awhile... so... that sucks... you know what I'm getting at.

Well, I'm just gonna... go.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going nowhere. Like I'm stuck being the littlest forever and that no matter what I do my sisters are always going to do better. I feel like I always get the shorthand of the stick. Of course my sisters think it's the other way around. That I get my way because I'm the littlest. But that's just it, it's because I'm the littlest. Not because I've accomplished something better then what they did, not because I deserve it or just want it. It's because I'm the littlest and nothing more.

Whenever mom asks me what's wrong I want to tell her everything. All the things I know she wouldn't understand and never will. The things I know she doesn't want to hear and the things even I don't want to admit. But I can't. All I can do is kick the chair and cry. Because is it really worth telling someone something if you know they won't understand? Is it worth wasting my energy on crying and having a fit if I know all it's going to do is prove that I really am the youngest. I'm still the baby of the family, no matter how hard I try not to be. There's no escaping, no hiding, no way of covering it up. It's just a fact.

Maybe that's my problem, maybe I have trouble dealing with the facts. But what if I didn't? Would I be depressed beyond belief? Truth is, I'm too afraid to try.

I just got a bunch of great songs FREE! Well, Madie had to pay for them but, whatever. They're free to me! There's about 18 songs on this CD that she made for mom on her birthday. All the songs are great! That's why I love CDs. If someone you know already has the track you want, borrow it and put it on your computer. BANG you just got free songs!

I know what I'm going to give mom for her next birthday, or maybe I'll give it to dad... I don't know, it doesn't really matter. I'm going to need Madie's help. Yes, Madie, I do. Well, I'm thinking about maybe doing a whole bunch of covers of all my favorite songs and put it on a CD (sorry Madie, for stealing the idea of a CD. It's different though). I'd probably sing, Love, Save the Empty by Erin McCarley... I'll think of others when one of their birthday's come! I probably won't even do it, though. I'll probably chicken out right away. Oh wait... false alarm. I still want to do it.

So that pretty much made my day yesterday. OH! And I gave Valya (my next door neighbor who just turned 9) 2 birthday presents! I'm pretty sure they're the best presents ever. Well, for a 9 year old a Webkinz and jelly beans are pretty awesome. Then again, her parents probably got her some awesome present... Oh, well. She'll get what I give her and she'll like it!

I hate annoying kids. Hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE them. I just found a blog that an eight year old wrote! She's the most annoying little brat I've ever read about. No offence to anyone but all she talks about is how God is the savior and how he saved her from almost being lost once in a muesum. Turns out her family was only five feet away! Ha ha, how funny! NOT. I'm sorry, little girl, but you just gave me a headache. OH MY GOD I'M SO MEAN!!! I'm really sorry little 8 year old... but I won't be reading your blog again. Once again I was searching around Blogspot pressing "Next Blog" until I found a good one. This girl had a cool background so I thought she might be cool... I was wrong.

I've started to write another story today. I don't know how far it'll go, but it's worth a shot, right? It's about a more negative me, with 3 friends, Heather (a lot like Rachel), A. (a lot like Bee...), and Natalia (a lot like... no, she's pretty much her own person...). And of corse, me. I haven't come up with a name for myself yet but, I'm working on it! I'm not planning what will happen, a lot like my life, things happen unexpectedly. More like whenever something pops into my head at the time!

Other then writing that story I've done pretty much nothing today. I've gotten bugged about, "not getting dressed and going on a bike ride already! Jeez Emma, it's not that hard!" about 5 times today, nagged my mom about getting a Chihuahua or some other small inside dog, and watched High School Musical 3. I can't believe those movies got so far. They're really not even that good. Zac Efron is the hottest guy who ever crossed the planet but that's really the only good thing about it. If he weren't cute, those movies would be being sold at the 25 Cent Only section at Target. Bad movies with cute guys work. But a regular movie with a cute guy is just another movie.

I've been asked to go to the Wisconsin Dells with Morgan (a different one. Not my best friend Morgan). 3 days with Different Morgan is pretty much the worst thing possible for me. Now if he asked me to go, heck yeah! But no, Different Morgan did. Yay? So that's not going to be happening anytime soon. Different Morgan's really nice! She's just not the kind of person I want to spend 3 days with at a place I don't even like. Plus it's like 3 hours away from here. She probably owns a minivan.

Ever tried to clean your room? It's really nice. Since I cleaned it (about 3 hours ago) I've been sitting on my bed on the computer. I'm listening to all my music... well, the good songs that is. I've been really happy today for no reason. Maybe I'm excited for school? Or happy that my friends are being nice? Or maybe I'm just thankful? Naw, it has to be just that I'm excited for school!

I wrote a new note on facebook. As always, it was dramatic. I can't help that I'm into poetry! It was actually a song this time. I would have gone further but after a while I decided to end it and post it on facebook as kind of a message instead of a song. It was about me taking chances and falling in love once, and then after that I was afraid to be hurt again, typical song material.

I really missed him today. I can't believe I'm not going to see him for a long time... UGH I HATE THAT I'M NOT IN HIS GRADE!! Or CLASS I should say now that there aren't really any 'grades' for him. Sucky, sucky, sucky, sucky age difference!

I just got back from Colorado. 12 hours in a RV (feels WAY smaller than it is) with my whole family... 24 hours there and back. Oh my god. You have no idea how good it feels to be home.

My show, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, is going to be on in 4 minutes... relaxation is my best friend.

I forgot to tell you about how tubing with Emily was. It was fun. I mean, minus everyone saying, "You should've gone to church camp with us! You don't have to be christian." and singing christian songs while tubing... yeah it was pretty fun. Morgan, Emily, and Maddy are all christian. REALLY christian. I don't go to church... and I'm an atheist. Maddy's dad is the paster or father or whatever you call them. He's actually really awesome for a paster/father/whatever.

When they were singing, "Give me a J! (You got your J you got your J!) Give me a E! (You got your E you got your E!) Give me a S! (You got your S you got your S!) Give me a U! (You got your U you got your U!) Give me another S! (You got another S you got your S!) Put it all together and what does it spell? J-E-S-U-S JESUS!!!! Woot woot go Jesus! Woot woot go Jesus! He's our savior, YEAH!" Over and over again while I just sit there pretending to suddenly become very interested in my hand. I hate my life.

I'm going to Heather's wedding today! I don't know why I'm so excited for it... I've never talked to her and I bet no one I know will be there. (How much do you want to bet saying that will back fire once I get there... people I know galore... *shivers*.) So, yeah.

I'm already in my dress and shoes. My dress is black, with two ruffles on top and bottom. It's really comfortable! My shoes are awesome. They look like greek god shoes. Only silver! They're awesome on top of awesome. Yeah, that good.

I took off my old nail polish and replaced blue with a pinkish color. It's so light. I was too lazy to put on another coat. They look pretty though! Once my hair dries I'm going to curl it. Hopefully I'll look pretty! I've learned not to trust my mirror. The lighting is off so everything looks prettier then it really is. So that's pretty sucky...

I've never been to a wedding. I was invited to two but they were too expensive that I couldn't go... frowny face.

I'm going tubing with Emily, Morgan, and Maddy today at 12:00. It's partly cloudy and 78 degrees where I am but it might be different there. I hope it's warmer there!!!!! I hardly ever go tubing. I usually only get to at my Grammy's lake house with my cousins.

I'm ssssooooooooooo bored!!!!!! Jeez, you'd think I'd be able to find SOMETHING to do! i can't even EAT! I DON'T HAVE ANY FOOD!!!!! Ugh, I better be going to Emily's soon...

Ahhh... I got to talk to him yesterday. I was playing with his little sister for a while until she wanted to play a game. I cleverly said, "well, I would but it's hard to play a game without more people..." then she said, "well, I could go and ask my brother and his friend if they'd like to play?" Of corse I said sure! So she said she'd call me when they wanted to play with us. So I went home for awhile. After maybe 20 minutes the doorbell rang! It was him and his friend!!!

"I can't." I said.

"Well, then why did my sister tell us to come over here?"

I explained to him about what happened.

"Well, are you sure you can't play a game? Maybe we could just play something inside?"

"Ha, I wish. You know my parents..."

"Yeah..."

There was a silence for awhile...

"Well, bye then!"

"Bye!"

HEE HEE! It really wasn't a big deal but... he smiled at me! He's so cute!!! I love him so much!!!

It's 10:37 right now. It's Friday. I used to look forward to Fridays when school was going but now it's just another day. If you get to much of something, it's not special anymore. So that sucks.

I'm feeling quite mellow today. Maybe because it's thunder storming out. I love thunder storms! I love waking up to thunder storms the most though. I don't know why. Most people hate lightning and thunder. I guess they don't have good memories with them. Not that I do. Hence, I don't know why I like them.

I have 3 new emails. One from facebook, one forward message from one of my mom's friends (how did they get my email?), and one from The Universe. My emails from the Universe are pretty random. This site sends you self esteem tips every week, or every day, or something. I don't read them anymore.

Ugh, I'm sick of summer! I'm sick of staying home all this time and not doing anything! My family and I are going to Colorado on August 5 until August 10. It's going to be an RV trip! I like to go on RV trips because it's SO much better then being stuck in a car with your family for 14 hours. Madie always takes the chair, Katie the couch (of course, the biggest part of the RV), and I take the overhead bed thingy. The overhead thing is on top of where the driver and passenger seats are. It looks like a big lump on top of the RV from the outside. The smallest part, of course.

Anyway, I can't wait to leave! We haven't gone anywhere all summer because Katie "has stuff going on all the time!" I mean really, missing one day of socializing?!?! It's unimaginable! But finally, after 2 months of not doing ANYTHING my parents finally planned a trip, without asking Katie about it.

But, after the RV was booked, Katie was back in the know. There was a vote about where we went, Washington D.C. or Colorado. I voted Washington D.C., Madie voted "strawberry", Katie voted "no where. Mom, I CAN'T miss tennis! Plus, I have things to do here." Since when did Katie get a life? In the end, somehow we decided on Colorado. No votes for Colorado, and that's where we're going. Really the only reason Colorado is where we're going is because Mom has friends there so when we have to camp one night mom doesn't want to be there.

I'm sorry, but every time we go somewhere at least one of mom's friends are also there. We went to Colorado last christmas break, mom went out with my "Uncle" Stephen. The next day we (Madie, Katie, Dad and I) went skiing. Stephen decided to come with us. Mom wasn't so happy but instead she went to see one of her other friends that day because she "has bad knees". Uh huh. So this time it will be the same I'm guessing.

I went to the pool today with Bee and Rachel. It was really fun! I was SO relieved to find that they also liked just laying out by the pool and getting tan... :)

Right then, when I was tanning with my friends, I felt truly content. I hate to say it but I think we have a better time when Morgan isn't there... Not gonna lie. We talked about a lot of things. We laughed when random people would splash us. People we didn't even know! I hugged some random kid saying I was awesome. I felt like I had a life! I really want to have a sleepover with just Morgan... see how it is... then have a sleepover with just Bee and Rachel. Then Morgan won't feel left out because she had a one-on-one thing with me too.

So yeah... A good day, I'll have a good week.

1-2-3 BOM Milestones!!!

I'm so excited to go to Colorado August 5th! We're taking a RV that hopefully fits all five of us! I really just want to go because I'm sick of being home. I love Colorado! It's like one of my many homes!

My "homes" are, Florida, Colorado, Red Wing, Grammy's (my grandma on my dad's side) lake house, and Lake City, of corse.

I call them my "homes" because there where I feel... at... home? Haha! Wow, I'm little off today!

I don't know why I'm acting so happy. If you saw me right now you'd probably be asking me if I was OK and offering me hot tea or something. I look depressed. Depressed on TOP of depressed. I have that happy/sad feeling right now. Kind of in the middle, like if red and blue were feelings, I'd be purple... yeah... you KNOW you get it!! Think about it...

Anyway, I'll try to dumb it down for ALL of us. I'm feeling sad. But so sad, I've given up all hope on being happy and just cracked and became happy unintentionally... that's not as dumbed down as I wanted it to be.

*Big sigh* I guess I'll just swing, then watch a movie, then sleep. It's really nice out. It makes me want to stay inside.

I'm sick of summer. How can I already want school to start again? It's only July!

I found a shirt. Unfortunately it's too small and is choking me. Not to mention it's pink. Jeez, I need to go shopping! But since I don't have a job I don't get anything because, "If you want something you have to pay for it with your own money! Madie can buy this because she has a job. When you have a job you can buy your own stuff!" Again, I don't have a job. And I won't have a job for 3-4 years!

But, it's my mom's rule. So, until I have a job I'm going to have to save up with my Christmas and birthday money. My birthday's September 28 so I'll have money soon. Still. That's in TWO MONTHS! My clothes aren't getting any bigger!

I've run out of shirts.

I always want something. Why can't you ever be truly content, peaceful? Why is something always bothering me? When one moment I think I'm fully happy, one word can ruin everything. I wish the world would... I don't wish anything. Be careful what you wish for, right?

I'm so used to always being after something, something I know I can't have. What ever happened to being happy for what you have and not over doing it? Why isn't life easier, for all of us? It's a challenge alright. I've never been on vacation. I always had to be doing something, getting something done, or thinking about some stressful subject I know will never be concluded.

But I'm not like this when I'm with you. I'm calm, I could stand with you for hours and never think of anything but you. The feeling never gets old. I never wish I was alone when I could be with you. It's new, it's safe. It's the only time I know nothing can go wrong, yet so afraid it will. But nothing lasts forever, and soon we're pulled away, to go back to our lives for another month. The longest days are the ones you're not in.

I love you.

this stupid thing isn't working!!!!!!

OH MY GOD he's on he's on he's on he's on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD NOT EVEN KIDDING HE'S ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, but he's ON!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a feeling he'd be on IM now... it's like I have ESPN or something! (I know you just thought, "Oh my god, she's so stupid. ESPN is a station loser!" Yeah, thanks for that. Actually you're the stupid one this time. That's from a MOVIE PEOPLE!!! Ha ha >:)

Well, sorry about that really lame news flash. He's not even talking to me, as usual, so it's ok... you can calm down now. *sarcasm*

 I rather be anywhere else but here right now. For some reason dad's over reacting (again) about something Katie did and is yelling at her her. "Where are you? When will you be home? You don't KNOW? What are you talking to your mom about? Yeah... Well I want you to come home NOW. When you get home you will wash your car." Then Katie said she'll call him back...

5 minutes later

"HELLO? What? Why can't you wash the car here? You know what Katie? You're going to wash it here, and I'm going to show you how to do it. Why can't I show you how to wash a car? Huh?"

Jeez!!! I'm SO mad at him right now! Mom just walked in saying, "I was just on the phone with Katie. You know, she's SO upset. I told her not to drive so upset, you know? She's crying!" Dad, "Well what's she so upset about?" Mom, "Ugh..."

But I have to say, Katie's in some deep do-do right now. She broke/fractured her toe, lied about going on a boat, woke mom and dad (not to mention Madie and I) up because she was on the phone at 1:00 a.m. last night, and she hasn't been home for a whole day since school got out! 

But dad was over reacting a LOT. 

Mom's "talking" to dad right now. They're more like yelling their thoughts. Not fighting... just discussing LOUDLY.

Last night Mom took away Katie's phone. I agree with that TOTALLY. Katie told me that she hasn't turned off her phone since she got it. Ugh... that makes me sick... not even kidding.

I can't wait until my first solo. It will come... I'm telling you right now! Ha ha, just kidding. I hope it happens though. 

The song I'd like to sing then would be... Thank You for the Music. From Mamma Mia! or I guess originally by ABBA. It's perfect! I can sing it fairly well, and I love the song too of corse! 

 

My mom and dad are watching the news right now. Michael Jackson died! I'm sad. Nobody liked him because of his craziness, but Thriller is the best song! Well, I say that about every song, but you have to admit you like that song! Don't lie to me!

Today all I want to do is lay in the grass listening to Beatles songs. I feel like a hippie.

Last night I watched Across the Universe. It was an awesome movie. The plot line was choppy, but the filming was good.

Ok, well, I'm going to go... now.. so.... yeah. bye.

My cat's sitting right next to me. Just a little bored here. 

 

I'm not even sure if I'm as in love with him as I was before. I haven't seen him since school got out. He goes on IM, but he doesn't talk to me. He'll go outside for two seconds, always when I'm not outside. I'm not going to see him for a year! This stupid age difference (even if only by a year) gets in the way.

 

Why can't I just skip this year? The only point of it is to prepare you for the next year! I'm perfectly prepared.

 

I feel so alone. All I do everyday is read and go on the computer. Sometimes go outside, but only when it's warm. It hasn't been warm or sunny for 3 days. I'm sick of it.

 

I'm redoing my room, trying to find a space where everything around me fits my personality. It's going to be hard, considering the fact that I have to find something not depressing that will suck the fun out of my happy days, but not too happy that makes me more depressed because I'd feel so out of place. I'm thinking blue, with striped polka dots. Blue, green, and dark purple.

The only thing that would be missing in my room would be a bigger bed.

 

Every time Katie has a guy friend over I picture him sitting on my bed, talking with me. Or us sitting on the floor, listening to music. 

 

But I never see him, and I don't think he'd want to see me. Because I'm not going to see him, he'll move on. He'll get girlfriends, I'll stay single. Alone, and single. Without even a hope to see him, because when would I anyway? 

Ever notice that when you're having a great convo. with your friend/crush on IM or facebook chat, there's always some random "friend" of yours that wants to have small talk about their recently deceased puppy that got run over by a semi or WHATEVER?! For instance I was talking to him on IM once and suddenly Austin starts talking to me! Here's how it went:

Me talking to Him: wat up?

Him: nm u?

Austin pops up randomly: what's up?

Me, really mad at austin at the moment: NOTHING!

Austin: oh ok cool... what's up?

Me: HOLD ON!

Me talking to Him again: same old, same old. hey you should--

Austin, just cut me off in mid sentence with Him: oh... ok.

Me talking to Him again: *picking up from where i left off* drop by sometime and pick up some of the cookies I just made! They're really good!

Him: Oh ok! Cool, what kind?

Austin: Em, you still there??

Me: yeah Austin! just hold on a sec i'm... doing something!

Me talking to Him again: Um... chocolate chip. They're awesome

Austin: well aren't you miss CRABBY PANTS today! jeez!

Me: just shut up austin for ONE SECOND!!

Him: Cool!

Austin: JEEZ!

Me: shut...up.

Him: well, I gtg ok? bye

Me: bye!

Austin: i gtg... hopefully you'll be less crabby next time! jeez woman!

Me: bye!

So in the end, I lose both the people I was talking to because of my freaking out. I never win...

As I said before, my friends "tease" me.

 

Today at tennis Morgan was talking with some of the other girls. Since I didn't want to be alone at the back of the line I went up by them. "Um... why are you here?" GOD!!!! I hate the world sometimes!!! "Because I hate being alone." Then Emily came and we both went back to the back of the line.

 

Emily is my savior. She may not be my best friend and know all about me, but that's what is nice about her. She hangs out with you even if no one else is.

 

Am I missing out on a part of friendship where they're actually there for you, no matter what? Should I get new friends? Easier said then done.