today has been a really long day.

after i got home from a sleepover, everything felt like it was moving in slow motion.

it was one of those days where you sit in your bed and think about life for so long that after a while you forget how you went from being at your front door, to your bed room.

sometimes i wonder if my being able to do this- sit in my room and think for what feels like minutes but is really hours- is healthy or not. do normal people take time out of their days to think about all aspects of their life, until they have thought about it so much that instead of understanding it all, they still have the same problems, but they're looking at it from the opposite side of the spectrum.

while writing that sentence i forgot how it began, so i'm sorry if it was supposed to be a question but ended up as a statement.

for the past week or two, i forgot when it all began, i've been kicking my cat out of my bed every time she tried to lay in it. one of these reasons is because her claws snag the covers, but the less legitimate reason is that i'm sick of her hogging all the space.

which is sort of stupid because i'm a human and she's a cat, but her confidence makes it seem like i have to obey her, because i will never have as much power she does. sometimes i forget that she's a cat and i'm a human, just because she has three times the amount of confidence that i have.

i never used to think that i wasn't a confident person. i always accept compliments, and some days i even wake up thinking, "hey, you're better than anyone else." which is really self centered, but isn't that sort of what confidence is? being proud of who you are?

one of my greatest fears is becoming one of those arrogant assholes who make it pretty obvious that they think that they are "the shit." this is why after i think that i'm pretty great, i immediately feel like a terrible person and remind myself that i'm too young to make a difference.

which is sort of sad really. being too young to make a difference. teachers and people that come to schools to teach the "next generation" about being a good person always say that everyone can make anything happen if they want it hard enough, but really that's just a load of garbage. i honestly do not believe that any measure i take against bullying will stop people from being idiots. you can't change people's minds. i used to think that you can, but you really truly can't.

all of this is sort of depressing and i'm sure it isn't making your day any better, but if it helps, it isn't helping me a whole lot either.

the other day i decided that i really want to be a youtuber.

i just feel like i could reach through to people if they actually saw me face to face. this want is also met with the fear of not being accepted by my parents. 

i'm terrible at keeping things from my parents, so last month i asked my mom if it would be ok if i had a youtube channel. for a few seconds, or in my world minutes, she looked at me sort of confused. then she asked what i would do. i got nervous and said what i knew she would approve of... a cooking channel. i honestly do not know why that was the first thing i would say, because i knew that i had no intention of going through all the work to figure your recipes, and somehow do them well and avoid being ridiculed by people in the world watching it telling me about how wrong i am at everything.

so yesterday i had my friend over and we made something. i've edited it, and put it up on youtube. it was a lot of fun to make, and i'm really glad i finally got something out there, but i'm also sort of sad that i've gotten myself into a project that i truthfully do not want to do. i just don't want to have that sort of channel.

this all sounds like a very pathetic problem in my life, but it's sort of symbolic to the way i work with my family.

i feel like the only person that knows about how my mind works is my sister. and i've told you this before, but she's the only one i'm not afraid to talk about deep and sort of depressing things with, because i know that she's thought the same things, or has no judgement about what i'm telling her. i also know that i never have to explain the way something feels, because she somehow always already knows. 

for example, if i told her that some guy looked at me weird in the hallway, i wouldn't even need to tell her any more before she will have already reassured me that he's just some idiot in a small midwestern town and i shouldn't worry about it because i'm way better than he is anyway. i love that.

also i'm worried about this youtube thing because all my friends at school know me for being the funny eccentric one. which is fine, i'm sure i would still be funny and weird on youtube, but i don't want to deal with going to school and them asking about why my last video was so depressing and trippy, as i would like to make my videos. not trippy like, druggy weird because i do drugs (i do not do drugs), but trippy like how my mind works sometimes. 

i'm the kind of person that can look at a wall and imagine it as being the sky, and my standing up is really like laying down, because the whole world is tilted.

when i was little i used to stare at the ceiling and pretend that it was the ground, and that i was sitting on the sky. after a while i would completely convince myself, and get freaked out and start grabbing onto the couch because i was afraid of floating away.

if i told my friends this they would laugh and ask if i was alright.

i'm sorry for this post being really long and all over the place, but i literally just took this out of my head, and haven't been worrying about sticking to a topic.

i wish i was more creative.

Ok dude. You don't get to ignore me. I have made it pretty obvious over the past few days that I think you're funny, and interesting, and hey, maybe if you weren't a stupid boy you would put two and two together and figure out that I like you. Yeah, I said it. I LIKE YOU. I've always liked you. I've known you since birth, how could I not? And when I text you, you need to respond because it's been a long time and I miss you. You're not just someone I like, you're one of my best friends. And friends talk to each other and reply. We used to talk. And I was worried that I was annoying you by texting you so I didn't for three weeks and you never once started a conversation. Yes, I was hurt. I was sure that you didn't like me, but I got over it and said hey, maybe we can just be friends. I knew that I still liked you, but I didn't want you to know and to freak you out. Three weeks. I didn't text you, or talk to you hardly at all. Then, for some stupid reason, I flipped out and said something. Just a simple "hey." nothing annoying. Hell, after three weeks nothings annoying. But then, nothing. And I know you saw it, because you always check your phone, and you don't go to bed until 10:30. Way earlier than I do. And it's not weird that I know this because we're friends. Or at least that's what I thought we were, but maybe you never even thought of me as that. What am I to you anyway? We have a history. We have inside jokes. I know your story and you know mine. You can't take our relationship and just ignore it.
No one ignores me. You don't have to like me, or know me, but you cannot disregard my efforts to be nice to you.
I thought that MAYBE the smiles in the hallway and bus conversations meant something to you like they did to me, but I guess not.
I have spent so long telling myself that you just HAD to like me. I thought I had seen all the signs. I took those stupid quizzes in girly magazines, I made you laugh, and we had real conversations. You complimented my shoes yesterday, and you teased me on the bus. It's been years of this, and you have never done ANYTHING.
And I can get over your not liking me. But the fact that you can't even act like a friend is what really makes it hurt.
I turned down two guys that asked me out in the three weeks that we didn't talk because I was waiting for you. One of the guys was sort of terrifying, I'll admit. But the other I knew would be kind to me. I could've really learned to like him too, but I couldn't do that to him. Say yes when he wasn't the one on my mind. But he should've been the one I was thinking of, because he was someone that liked me in return. And now I wonder if it's worth waiting for you after all.
Am I just wasting my time?

watching Awkward. when you're confused about your own "relationship" can really emotionally mess you up. i think i may need to DTR with a certain someone.

this someone and i have been doing really well. sitting by each other, smiling in the hallway, texting (until my phone oh-so-conveniently broke), accidentally holding hands on the bus for like two seconds... THINGS HAVE BEEN PRETTY GOOD. but i'm afraid i may be getting friend zoned.

i mean, what counts as a sign?

i really hope this guy is thinking the same thing about me as i am about him. are we friends, or something more? has he ever thought of me like that?

and what's more, is that i witnessed emily a. keeping something from me. it was a picture of a text message she got from someone, but she wouldn't show me. this is suspicious, because the whole reason why we aren't friends any more is because she was texting MY certain someone. she had edited the screenshot of the text, with some quote on the side. it said something emo and depressing on the side, like "guess you'll never love me..." or "all that work for nothing..." because she's that kind of girl.

i have a feeling it was from him, and she didn't want to show me because she knew it would tick me off. she showed morgan though, and they whispered all secretive during choir, even though i was sitting right next to them.

whatever. i'm not afraid of emily as competition, who i'm afraid of is the other girls in his grade. he has a lot of friends that are girls... but he's certainly NOT gay. his grade is different from mine. they're all really mixed in, mostly because the girls are total sluts. those girls are who i have to worry about.

friday night on instagram there was a picture of him surrounded by these girls, and he was sitting extra close to a girl named mariah. i wanted to barf and scream at the same time. like, what the heck? am i really being friend zoned?

if i was the only one feeling something this whole time, then something must be seriously wrong with me.

tonight emma g. and i were talking about why we think our grade is so separated- boys |  girls- and we decided it was because we have nice girls AND nice guys, and everyone has a crush on everyone. emma says that everyone has their boy equivalent.

but we couldn't decide who, in our grade, was mine.

then i started to think,
     do i only like him because he's the only reasonable choice, or is he actually someone special?

maybe i'm in a haze, and because i've known him so long, the only reason why i like him is because there's no one better to choose from.

emma also said that i need to DTR with him. somehow i need to figure out our situation.

somehow emma has quickly climbed the social ladder, which is dumb, but now she has the guy of her dreams falling all over her. she found out that he liked her by playing "Truth or Truth" at a sleepover. she thinks i should do it with him, but i don't know. i'm not good with the whole, being unbiased thing, and i would probably blush and giggle and just overall fail miserably.



WHAT IS MY LIFE.

I absolutely can't stand my mother.

Tonight she went out with her friends, so of course she came back... buzzed. At least. And you know how much I love "buzzed" people.

Seriously though, she says my DAD has a drinking problem? Sure, my mom's not an alcoholic, but at least my dad can hold his liquor. Swear to god, one drink and mom's giggling like a goon.

My dad bought her a Macbook Air for her birthday, August 19. If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be using it right now. She refused to open it and get it started. Like, mom! Dad spent $1,300 dollars on a new computer for you because you've been complaining about your old one for years, and you won't even open it? So today I set it up FOR HER because I couldn't stand her not using it, and all she did tonight was go "the screen's too small. I can't read the screen! Emma, make the text bigger."

But while I was fixing this disastrous problem, all she kept saying was, "it doesn't take 1000 clicks to fix it Emma. Give it back! Can't I just check my email?" and then I said, "if you don't like it then you can have mine. I'd be happy to take a new computer, especially when it's a MACBOOK AIR. No, seriously mom, I will trade you. Do you want mine?"

And all she did was giggle.

Honestly, I have no tolerance for people who have had too much. It seriously makes me want to punch them in the face. But this time, mom was being a jerk about the computer even before she'd had anything to drink, and it really just ticked me off.

She finally went to bed, and I just had to write something.

Anyway...

I start High School this year. And I hate it because it doesn't even seem like a big deal because of Katie and Madie going/ being in college. God, I hate being the youngest. Everything I do seems like nothing because they're always going through something bigger in their life. And it just so happens that even when I graduate High School, what is supposed to be a HUGE step in my life, Madie graduates college, which is 20X bigger.

Can't the spotlight ever be on me? Can't I have one year when mom and dad pay more attention to me than my sisters? This year I will be the only kid still at home, and everyone keeps saying "Emma, stop complaining, you're going to have all the attention!" but truth is, that's a complete lie.

All my mom is going to care is about how Sensitive Madie will be adjusting to the new college life. "Is Katie making bad choices?" (yes.) "Is Madie making friends?" (yes.) "I wonder if they will ever get boyfriends... I should send them cookies. They haven't called me in a day! Have you heard from your sisters? Are they getting good grades?" and all I will get is "YOU BETTER BE GETTING GOOD GRADES. Do you have any plans this weekend?" (yes.) "I don't like you spending so much time with your friends. We should go out to dinner." (no!) "YOU'RE TURNING INTO KATIE!"

And my sisters claim I will get "anything I want", but seriously, when was the last time I actually got what I wanted?

 I don't mean getting when I wanted for Christmas, I mean the simple things normal human beings want. Like a finished room that is done the way I want it done.

THINGS I WANT BUT WILL NEVER GET:

1. a room that is my own, not one that has mom's never used craft supplies and antique rug in it
2. a cat that is my own, not one that is actually Katie's, but I have to take care of because she's off at college
3. trust to make the right decisions
4. a boyfriend they will approve of
5. attention where I need it, less where I don't
1. i.e. less attention about school, I get it! more about how I'm doing and what I actually care about
6. family dinners

I know, you're thinking "Emma, your parents aren't divorced. You don't have any money problems. Your mom cooked dinner all through when you were growing up. Stop being so stuck up and be grateful for what you have!"

Well guess what? It's what I USED to have, and what Katie and Madie ALWAYS had. They grew up with a full family. They never wondered who was making dinner, because mom didn't have a job, and used to love doing that for us. They always had a family dinner, because everyone was always home to have it. 

Katie and Madie grew up in a totally different way than I did/ am. And what they don't understand is how wrong they are about my coming High School years being "great, because you don't have to share anything with your sisters, mom and dad will always be able to go to your events, and you'll get everything you want!"

This whole life change that is about to happen- Madie going to college, leaving me alone at home- is just a big pile of, sorry, SHIT.

(by the way, I'm so going to start swearing openly soon. I can't hold it in any longer.)

REASONS WHY IT'S GOING TO SUCK BEING STUCK WITH MY PARENTS...

1. no one to roll my eyes at when they're being annoying
2. no one to complain about whatever fight they're having
3. EVERYTHING SUCKZZZZZZ

************

Sorry for not writing all summer. I will start. :)

Yes. It IS one of those nights.
POST POST POST.
Oh, I got a twitter. It's dumb.
SOMEONE'S AWAKE AND IN THE BATHROOM... SHHHH!

i still have to pee

gtgbye

I'm really pissed off at everyone right now.
First of all, the clicking of my keyboard is exceptionally loud tonight, and is not helping me be any more secretive about still being awake.
I jump every time I hear a noise.

Second of all I'm just in a really sucky mood.
I've had to pee since the beginning of the "Can't Get Enough of FRIENDS" marathon (which I eventually had enough of), mom's been really whiney, and I've had to share my stuff with my sisters. Ugh, how horrible.

Katie's home. This sucks because now everything she did behind our backs at college is literally Behind Our Backs.
For example; the weed in her backpack.

But enough about that. Let's focus on mom.
How come we all have to tiptoe around her to make sure her emotions are in check, but she has no problem being bluntly rude and inconsiderate towards us? I mean honestly, when she says, "DO THE GOD !@#$ DISHES! I'm not going to ask nicely again!" and I laugh and put it off until she complains to dad and dad does it, I'm not being snotty. I'm laughing at the irony.

Ha.

Ha.

So that's one of the reasons why I've been acting randomly "teenagery" today. Also Katie and Madie have been freaking out about sharing the car and it's really annoying. And I had to share my ear buds with them because Madie stole Katie's when Katie needed them, so then Katie told Madie to use mine, but I wasn't told this until I needed them right now so no one would hear me listening to music until three in the morning.
Why is everything so dang hard?

School's done and that's great. Mom and dad let me skip the last two days because it was all movies and Valley Fair. And I HATE Valley Fair and crappy movies.
Especially with the people in my grade.

Oh yeah, I should probably keep up the trend of complaining about my friends.

WELL...
Emily A. and I got in a big fight a while back because she was so obviously flirting with HIM even though she knows I've liked HIM forever. I wasn't even really mad, but she took my "Do you like HIM" text the wrong way and apparently we had a fight. I don't really know how that happened to be honest.

But that was a long time ago.

We gradually started talking again because she was my only friend in math, so as I became worse and worse at the subject we talked more and more. Now she thinks we're friends again but I'm still a little mad. (that's why I still try to get reactions out of her by bringing up HIM and pretending he said anything about her- which he didn't. She usually freaks out and I get mad again and pretend I have to go have dinner. I'm sort of evil.)

But HE got a droid now so we can't text on my iPod, which is dumb because I can't find my regular phone... Not that it really matters. : /

I seriously don't want to go to bed. Like, my body is wide awake. I love it when everybody's asleep. Even though it's creepy. Whatevs.

Love you!

No girl actually loves it when a guy's a jerk. What girls like are imperfections that they think can change. Being a jerk just happens to be a common one.