What am I supposed to do about this?

I'm helpless. My sister, the goody goody "I'm perfect, beautiful, smart, and I know exactly what I'm doing", can no longer keep what she's been doing away from me.

I've always known that she was a bad girl in high school, but I could never back it up because I had never seen it. Not one picture was on facebook of her drinking or, dare I say it, doing drugs; let alone sleeping with people. She'd never come home drunk or high. I was naive, and I knew it.

She recently went to college and I had the feeling that she was going to let her wild self go, now that she didn't have me and my family to watch her. But now it's inevitable, and I'm beside myself.

My dad refuses to even think about the subject. "I have no evidence that she's doing any of that. Don't blame her of something we don't even know about."

I don't know why he's so against having opinions about my own sister. "Dad, you can't deny the glaciers are melting just because you haven't seen it." I've told him, with thousands of other examples that he just laughs off like it's no big deal. I feel like it'll take until she's in the hospital because she passed out drunk.

Dad thinks we're over exaggerating, like it doesn't happen to at least 20,000 people every year between the ages of 15 and 30. Fact.

I want to confront her but she'll just get really mad and not talk to me.

Katie's never gotten busted for anything and my parents have been living in a dream world this whole time. My mom more in touch with reality then my dad, still holds onto her faith in the little Katie she used to know.

I've never looked up to Katie, even when I was little. She always treated me like I had two barely functioning brain cells that did nothing but allow me to eat and breathe. Mom said she'd change when she went to college but she hasn't at all, and instead of bring us together it's brought us further apart. We can't talk anymore. She doesn't value my opinions at all.

I can't do anything because she's never listened to me even before this whole thing. If I brought it up, mom would stick up for her, dad and Madie too, even though they've been on my side in the first place.

Everyone's afraid of Katie but me. I swear to god, I'm the only one that's ever told her how I really feel about how she acts. They think I'm just being hard on her, or picking on her because I'm jealous, but honestly, I can't see what there is to be jealous of.

I  criticize her all the time when she's home, because I feel like that's the only way I can stay afloat or be heard when she's around.

"All that really matters is if she gets A's and B's in college." Dad said the other night when I mentioned this.

Where does this philosophy come from? It doesn't matter if she's drinking or smoking pot. Doesn't matter if she gets pregnant or passes out drunk. It does not matter if she ruins her health and family relationships, if she gets A's and B's in college.

I can't think about this anymore.

11% computer battery remaining and I'm still up and running.

Friends are no longer worth taking the time to write about. Like seriously. I don't care.
And neither do you.

Uuuugh...

So today was eventful...
I got a new Electric Fetus shirt (that GLOWS IN THE DARK, FOO!) from Lyd... aaaaaaaand... yup.

Why am I writing this?
Seriously. Why do you care?
Get out of my liiiiiife!!!

I'm going to go get a poptart, and by the time I get back, I expect you to be gone.
...Wow, that sentence really hacked down my cool points that I may or may not have earned.


I think MROMS is the most hilarious thing ever, and I'm not sure why.
For all of you too cool to know what MROMS means, let me enlighten you.

Mom
Reading
Over
My
Shoulder

I have no idea why this makes me laugh.
And now that I've realized it's not funny, it no longer will make me laugh.
I hate you.

7%. Let's see if it will die on me, shall we?

List That is Too Cool to Have a Real Name.

1. my computer's name is Gladys along with my bike and favorite t-shirt
2. HE still hasn't asked  me out, and is driving me mad because he posts all these pictures with STUPID FACE McGEE/ new girl who everyone thinks is hot but isn't!!!!!!!!!!
3. i really need a haircut.
4. good god do i need a haircut.
5. i fell off a rock last week and for some reason everyone replied to my bruise "How do you fall off a rock?"which made me hate my life and IQ drop to -40
6. i love using this counting thing because it saves soooo much time.
7. 4% battery life
8. something always bangs up against my window and night, and i think it's bird or a bat, but either way it scares me to death and sometimes prevents me from sleeping at all.
9. i babysat for my english teacher, and now every time i see him all i can think is, "I'VE BEEN INSIDE YOUR HOUSE." which for some reason is more terrifying then any horror movie i've every seen... (which isn't very many, might i add.)
10. Vegas by Sara Bareilles is so catchy i might die.
11. HOLY CRAP PAIN IN MY BAAAAAACK
12. ouch. that really hurt.
13. 3% battery life.
14. just die already.
15. 2% YES.
16. 1% BABAYYY! :D

GOOD NIGHT EVERYO

So today I'm in a bit of a sticky situation. In my head that is. I'm sure that in real life it's not nearly as bad and confusing as it is in my own little world.

Today I did yet another "I'm going to skimp out of a fun time because I'm lazy and would rather watch bad movies with my sister all day" thing. Only to my friends it was a "Sorry! I have to help some grandmas cross the street then go volunteer at the pet hospital" day.

But I swear, TODAY I had real reasoning.

So suddenly You-Know-Who (ahem ahem Morgan ahem ahem) and Emily Q. wanted to hang out with me and we'd all go tubing like friends would... except I guess they sort of forgot that I REALLY hate You-Know-Who(-but-with-a-half-way-decent-nose) and expected me to say yes and be perfectly fine with it.

I know a normal person my age would've sucked it up and said "OH MY GOD YEAH! BUDDIES OH MY GOD!" but if you haven't noticed already, I hate all those people. I instead said "Um... *insert good excuse that is totally believable and strong enough that you can't try to plan around it and also isn't a complete lie and my mom will go along with if worst comes to worst* but for SURE another day! Sorry!"

I'm also a big dweller on the past... did I mention that?

BUT WAIT... THERE'S MORE.

I'm also really sick of Emily Q. right now because she's in that "I WANNA B POPULAHR!" stage and told me that she thinks she "needs more friends. Because my facebook wall is only you and my brother and yours is of older people that are cool."

Um... thanks? But not really. If you count people that my sisters are friends with and a few of my friends I met in activities, then count me in with the rest of the world too please. The only difference between hers and mine is that I'M A WAY COOLER PERSON.

... i'm just kidding.

Anyway, the way I looked at our "REALLLY FUN PLAAAN (:" was that I'd be stuck with my worst enemy and my Best Friend who recently turned into the average teenager from hell.

Maybe that's an overstatement. But I don't care.

I feel bad for turning a possibly meaningful post into a friend bash, but this is just what comes out when I start to think... and I'm far too lazy to delete all that hard work and try again.

----

keep it classy.

"THE KARDASHIANS' ARE HEE-AAAH-R!"

10-ish Things That Serve No Purpose

1. i really wanted to go outside and listen to music (and maybe sing along when i'm sure no one's looking or within earshot), but my ipod was dead.
2. i was going to call my grandma like my mom told me to but i thought my sister was dead because she went on a long walk and i wasn't told, soo i forgot about that.
3. i babysat this morning and i was surprised they are still alive and well after hanging out with ME for four hours.
4. i'm a little bit addicted to Bo Burnham, even though he's really perverted at times. He's really hot ok? and i believe he may be a genius. 
5. my ipod has almost 300 songs on it and half of them are Regina Spektor songs.
6. there are two kinds of people. those that can finish lists, and those who

a few things that have changed about me:

• increasing love for photography: i mean LOVE.
• i have a growing collection of old cameras, from kodaks to polaroids.
• i might actually be getting the support needed from people outside my family to enter writing contests... which scares me, and urges my ego...
• new found love for mango lollipops
• turning into a bigger nerd each day. (by this i mean i'm obsessed with mario... and may be enjoying school...)
• friends= stable for once in my life
• getting closer to possibly having a boyfriend...
• in school i act more myself, which scares most of my classmates, but yet the above still applies... ?
• acting more and more like a thirty year old single mom each day!!! 
• still trying to keep up with those kardashians...

http://www.ifun4free.com/iQuote4/Quote.asp?QID=19

People You Must Learn More About

1. Harvey Milk (it drives me nuts that they don't teach you about him in school)
2. Buddy Holly
3. Ringo Starr (way under appreciated, so much i'm telling you to learn about him, and I haven't even taken the time to do so)
4. Regina Spektor
5. Miley Cyrus (that's a joke)

I'll let you go educate yourselves, while I go educate myself and do my homework.

(EMILY! ... *motions below this post*)

I hate that you're the only thing that keeps me dreaming
I hate that you have so many girlfriends
I hate that when you text me I can never believe it
I hate how you are always hiding something
I hate that sad look in your eye
I hate how I start half our conversations
I hate that I can't be with you 24/7
I hate how your hands are never empty
I hate that you are never close enough
I hate how I have to keep my distance
I hate that she's always with you
I hate how her eyes are on you
I hate that I'm not good enough
I hate how I feel that way
I hate that we're not still best friends
I hate how it's my fault
I hate that our hands never touch
I hate how you like video games
I hate that you know I hate it
I hate how we're so perfect for each other
I hate that I'm the only one that knows it
I hate how it's not a secret
I hate that this list is so long

I love the twinkle in your eye
I love how your eyes crinkle when you smile
I love how I can make you smile
I love that we can communicate without words
I love our mixed up past
I love the pictures of when we were little
I love that I can tell you anything
I love that you won't judge me
I love how you say my name
I love that you gave us a theme song
I love how you always want to be on my team
I love the little things you say
I love that you'll do anything to agree with me
I love the way you comfort me
I love how we can carry on a conversation for hours
I love how we laugh so hard we cry
I love that I always have first pick
I love that you know what I like and don't like
I love our rivalry that doesn't exist
I love our "buddy club"
I love that we hate those words
I love how you get me
I love that I understand you
I love how it's so easy to be around you
I love that you'll always answer
I love that you've forgotten all the stupid things I've said
I love how you only pretend to
I love you.

i wish my parents thought of my sisters as individuals.

if one of us isn't home, we wait as long as possible to eat dinner. and when i say i'm hungry, they totally ignore me or say "you can wait for your sister to get home".

my sisters don't get it either.

if i get mad at them for not telling me they weren't riding the bus, or not telling me they aren't picking me up, or coming home late, or not telling me we have to leave early in the morning, not telling me we have a speech meeting, or not telling me to call mom, they think i'm "controlling them." that i'm "not their mom" (like i've never heard that one before)

they don't notice that when they eat, i eat. when they have to get up early, I have to get up early. if it's 7:00 am and we have to leave at 7:15 and they don't tell me until 7:10, and i get MAD, my parents always take their side (for example).

because they're older, my parents think they are always right. if i say "i don't think she should do that." for the sake of THEM, my parents give me the talk about how "it's not my choice what they do. you don't have to be worried about that. let us handle it."

so i basically don't have any rights.

today i rode the bus home, and expected my sister to be riding with me, like my mom told us to. but at the bus stop she wasn't there. i was always told that if they were supposed to ride the bus and weren't there when the bus was going to leave, to tell the bus driver to wait. so i asked my bus driver to wait just a few minutes for my sister to come. my bus driver waited 5 minutes. then left. so i'm obviously freaking out. i'm thinking what the crap? mom's going to be sooo mad at her, and ME. where is she? why didn't she text me she where she was? if mom has to drive here to pick her up she's going to ALSO talk to ME about missing the bus. so i text madie "the bus is leaving. i'm guessing you don't care?" and she says "no. meels is driving me home." so i got a little mad OBVIOUSLY. is it so hard to text me? save me the time of freaking out? she has a phone. why doesn't she use it?

so i said "ok. you know, you could have told me b4 i got on the bus without you. there's just a little thing called NOT LETTING YOUR SISTER FREAK OUT? it's new." and she didn't text back. ten minutes later she texted...

"we may b a little late.  she's a little slow." i was home by now and still mad. i texted back...

"you seriously need to get your act together. i'm not just saying that."

five minutes later...

"wow emma. i called dad. please stay out of it."

i texted back
"i'm just saying. you know, it also effects my sleeping patterns, eating times, etc?"

when she came home she yelled at ME. like it was my fault? "OH and emma, thanks for being so nice over the phone. Mom and dad knew, you didn't have to freak out on me. YOU DON'T CONTROL ME. I can handle things myself!" then i told her what i was feeling and all she could say was "just stay out of it."

because she can't deny it. she KNOWS it. she's even admitted it before. i love her (obviously.) and we're really close, but it's times like these that i feel like "what does she ever do for me?"

but that's another story.
---------

p.s. M.D., if you read this, this is in the PAAAAAAST. don't hate me. but that's just how i feel right now. you know you feel this way too. (about me)

alright. so you guys know me by now. i don't write for what seems like years then i post one after another on this thing. but not all the subjects i want to talk about fit into one post, KAY?

god. recently i've been almost as pathetic as when i forget to turn off caps lock.

seriously. it's like i'm sad in comparison to how happy i am when i'm with him. is this healthy? (don't answer that.)
i got dangerously close to him in the hall the other day. i found it the perfect opportunity to turn into a total lame-o and drop all the stuff for my three classes all over him. i thought this would've been good, but they landed after he had walked by. so no, there wasn't that romantic moment of him helping me pick them up, like i hoped there would be. that's my life.

also i've been wanting to say that i'm going to enter a writing contest, if i ever write something that doesn't suck like a vacuum.

My Excuses for Not Doing What I Know I Should/ Want to Do (a.k.a. enter a wring contest):

1. i just don't want to.
2. i want to but i'm too lazy
3. i'll never win
4. and the list goes on and on

*sudden song that sounds like that comes into my head and i become way too distracted with sounds around me to write anymore like everything else in my life*

Well, it's good to know someone cares.
"SHOUT OUT" to the most "bomb" chick ever, emily. ;) love you.

quotations around SHOUT OUT indicate just how much i hate it when people say that.
no offense to disney channel.
just kidding. OFFENSE.

i've been realizing just how mean i am to some of my friends.
it's not my fault i don't like them.
JUST KIDDING. i like them. just... i don't know. i will make a "smart aleck remark" (as my parents would say) and they think i'm serious. like i really DON'T like them. and of course i crack up. this is followed by silence and a change of subject. is it me?

OF COURSE IT IS.

it's always me.

alright. now i'm putting myself into that depressing stage.

let's just not go there.