Today pretty much sucked. Actually it totally sucked. For one, my iTunes gift card STILL doesn't work. I've had it for three days and it hasn't been activated. I swear if i ever see that casheer again I'll be like, "Excuse me, last time I came here you didn't activate my card. Is it activated yet? Huh, PUNK?!" Haha, no really.

Everything else that happened today made standing in front of a train sound appealing. First of all I woke up to my sister Katie's friend over. The worst part about that was I was starving, my hair was literally standing straight up, i had drool all over my face, and I hadn't taken a shower since yesterday morning. Yay. Then dad wouldn't make me a pancake until he had his six waffles, bacon, sausage, eggs, and orange juice, which took him at least half an hour to finish. As the day went on I thought I might be able to survive, when dad started nagging on me about my homework for the sixteen billionth time. "I just want to make sure you get it done is all!" He said like I was being so horrible. "Dad I've never not done my stupid homework! You can't even trust me to hold a remote, let alone do my own homework! Dad I don't need you to watch my every stankn' move! I'm not two years old!" I yelled at him. Madie walks in, "Oh my god it's the end of the world! Emma do you know how easy your life is right now? I can't wait until you're like me." She always says this. This was the only time I've ever not responded by saying, "Madie you know your life was like mine when you were my age so why do you have to take that away from me? You act like I'm the only one that's ever not been like this!" But I was too mad to say anything and ran into the TV room crying. There, mom was sitting knitting. "What's wrong?" silence. "I don't see why you're in such a bad mood! No one did anything to you!"

And then the rest doesn't even matter because it was all pretty much the same way the whole day from there. One fake "sorry" from Madie was all the sympathy I got for the rest of the day.

You have no idea how happy I am that today's ending.

Things to do

· Write a to do list

· Done.

· Make a very long list

· Get money

· (we'll see about that last one)

· write a book

· two words

· whipped

· cream

· get a half-way decent screen saver that ISN'T of snoopy

· finally convince madie to make a music video

· finally convince mom to write a book

· clean room

· number 4 is completed!

· Finish everything on this list

· How am I supposed to finish "two words?"

· Awesome cats

· "two words" is completed

· whipped and cream is completed

· well, basically I just ate the whipped cream so… whatever.

My biggest fear is probably leaving.

I can't even go on a three day trip without crying. What about leaving forever? I know, that's not for awhile and crap, but still. What if I'm not ready?

That's why I want to go to Colorado for a year and live with my "uncle" Stephen. He offered it to me last time we were in Colorado. It was kinda just like, "hey and you could stay with me for a year too! That'd be fun. Anyway so then-" but still. Anyway while I'm there I could get citizen ship, and going to Boulder would count as a state collage and be cheaper. Also in that year I could get used to being on my own and being away from home. It'd work... but I'm probably not going to want to do that. Knowing me I'll want to just be like everyone else and just START. Starting has never been easy for me though.

It took me until second grade to stop crying at school for my mom. It took me five years to find some half decent friends. And I'm yet to find a boyfriend. The list is yet to end too.

Anyway, I kinda what to start a Vlog but I won't get any views... kinda like this blog. SO I'm gonna wait until I have more confidence. Or until this blog FINALLY takes off (don't hold your breath) then I'll tell everyone that reads this to go onto youtube and find me and I'll be a youtuber! But, you know... that might not happen for awhile.

So the extermination on Morgan isn't going anywhere. I'm still trying to get rid of her but you know... I don't even know. She doesn't really talk to me so I don't know if I should just TOTALLY ignore her or just let it be and see how it all lays out. Ugh, you know what, I don't even care anymore. She can do what she wants. Why do I have to care about everything? YOU CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING EMMA!

Choppy. Sentences. Are. My. Weakness. Deal with it.

It's amazing how a name can change a life.

Of corse... only his name can. I said his name yesterday, over and over and over again. I fell a little bit more in love with him.

I was doubting how much I love him. I felt like if it's not going anywhere, why waist your time waiting? But I can't stop. I'm addicted. He is what gets me through the day. He's always there, even if I make half of him up. He's not Prince Charming, but I've never liked that kind of guy anyway. He's nice, and he cares about me. I think.

It's weird, he's like my brother. I'd be hurt if he ever was in pain, I'd help him if he needed help. I'm even happy for him when he has a good girlfriend. He isn't mean to me and he respects me. He's not a genius, and he knows it. He doesn't pretend to be anything he's not. He's completely solid. His life isn't easy to do good in, with a all around "bad kid" brother, a mom who's not very responsible, and an adopted little sister. But he gets along without complaining. I hope he knows I'll always be there for him.

His name flows off my tongue without an effort. Sometimes it's hard to stop saying it. It's that melt-in-your-mouth kind of name, it doesn't take long for you to fall in love with it. I can never get enough. I try to disguise it in everyday conversations, which is easy, his family is a very hot topic in our house.

I stood at the bus stop today, even though it's Saturday. Too many memories took place there, I had to stop and meet them again.

OK, don't tell anyone.

I'm starting to like my friends. *gasp!* Well... OK I'm still hating Morgan but I'm really getting more close to Rachel and Bee. I didn't tell you but I had a sleepover with them on Friday last week. Rachel and I really had a great time. Morgan was meaner then she's ever been to me, actually saying what she didn't like about me in front of my back. Bee went along with Morgan a little but otherwise was really awesome.

I'm getting rid of Morgan. Exterminating her. I swear, if they made "Morgan Spray" I would SO buy it. She just drives me nuts! I can't stand her! She's SO mean, yet everyone likes her. She gets ALL the guys, and the nicest, cutest guy in school LOVES her. She's smart and pretty and she takes a good picture. I swear, is that really all it takes to get a boyfriend?

The world's just so screwed up now. To get a guy you have to be pretty. To get good grades you have to be the teacher's favorite. To have friends you have to pretend to be someone you're not. To live you have to keep your deepest secrets secret or you'll be ruined forever.

Why is it always so hard? Being a good person should be enough, why all the extra crap? Do you really have to be pretty to get ahead in life now a days? In that case, I better go to mars, because earth isn't just about living anymore. Now living means friends, beauty, and money. Three things that are hard to get.

All I really want is for people to think I'm nice. I think some people do... some. Select few think I'm nice. And those people only think I am because they've never seen any other side of me.

My biggest question right now is though, why is Morgan so mean to me? What have I done wrong anyway? I be myself (something she hates), I try to be nice (something she ignores), I try to be funny (something she thinks is being "weird"). Sometimes I do what she does to me, yes. One time I tripped her in the hallway like she's done to me a million times. Reaction: A look like she's going to cut my head off right then and there, an upturned nose, and a smile toward the nearest guy. Then she doesn't talk to me for the rest of the day and tells everyone about how mean I was to her.

I'm going to kill that kid.

Halloween sucked.

It started off with dad making sure he ruined everything. First he argued with me about the stupidest things, "don't get that much candy! Just get the bad crap they don't need that stuff!" then, "you know when I was a kid we only turned on the inside lights..." I know it sounds so stupid, and it was, but it just drove me INSANE! Then when the porch lights weren't on mom looked at me and yelled, "EMMA I TOLD YOU TO TURN ON THE LIGHTS WHY DIDN'T YOU? God you know you've been in such a bad mood today! Now you won't even listen!" then I got really mad because all that time I was trying to tell her what really happened and said, "Mom you know you should probably listen to my reasons before you go blaming me!!!!" she was quiet for awhile then yelled back, "I wasn't blaming you! I'm mad at your father!! God you know what? You're not going to have Devon over! You're in such a bad mood you wouldn't have any fun!" me, "Maybe I would be in a good mood if people didn't get me mad! I wasn't in a bad mood to start with!" Then she went and yelled at dad for awhile.

Yay. Why is it that none of my holidays are fun? They're always ruined because of my mom and dad saying, "You're in such a bad mood." and canceling any fun I was supposed to have, if any.

So anyway later on that night when I was finally doing what I wanted to do on halloween, watching all the lame "scary" movies on TV, dad comes in, takes the remote from me and changes it to a stupid war movie. I start to cry. God, I should really get better at emotions.

"Oh stop crying, you weren't watching anything anyway." I want to kill that man sometimes. Why does he have to ruin everything for me? It's like he wants me to hate him.

And today he said, "Ok you can have the TV for now but I'm going to watch football in there at 3:00" It was only 12 so I said ok. Half an hour later he comes in, takes the remote away and changes it to football. "You said you didn't need the TV until 3:00 dad, can't I watch it until then?" Nothing. "Why don't you get dressed instead of just sitting around in your pajamas all day and do something?" Says the man in his sweatpants eating cheese and crackers. I wanted to say, "Why don't you get dressed and do your work like you're supposed to do?" But instead I just sat there.

Just now he was cleaning up the TV room, because Katie had a sleepover in there last night, and held up this huge purple arm rest thing and said, "Is this your junk?" I kinda mumbled, "no it's Katie's." Five seconds later, "I ASKED YOU IF THIS WAS YOURS!" I yell back, "I JUST SAID NO IT'S KATIE'S DAD!" and ran out the room saying, "God do you have to ruin EVERYTHING for me?!?" And ran up to my room where I am now. Dad followed behind saying, "Jeez, why don't you take a nap or something?!"

I think he just knocked on my door... "Go away." Silence... Oh crap I think that was my mom. Oh well she can ask dad what's wrong. Knocking again, "Emma?" It's mom. "What mom?" "Can I see you for a second?" "Why?" "Because I want to see your face?" ... "Please?" ... "Emma please?" "Why mom?" "Because!" "Fine then." ... Why hasn't she come in?... "Mom ok come in." The door opens, she stands at the doorway looking at me for a second. My head's down, tears falling from my face... She walks in, "Are you crying because your room's such a mess? I know that makes me cry." silence... god I hope she's joking. I look up at her, she's barely smiling. I hope she knows that really didn't help. I just sit there on my bed. "What's wrong?" "Dads ruined all of today and yesterday! It's like he lives to make me mad! Why does he have to be so mean? He yells at me for no reason and makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong ALL THE TIME even if I'm not even DOING anything!" She thinks. I know she's felt this before. "Well you just have to learn to ignore him." I gave her that advise. God mom, way to be original, "otherwise you'll go insane. Hey have you seen my pin cushion?" "I don't care about your stupid pin cushion." I say. She looks at me, I can tell she's thinking, "god lighten up. just answer the question" like I think when she talks about dad. I hate being in her shoes. "No." I say again. "Well I'd really like to find it. I worry about it." I hope I'm not the pin cushion... then again I don't think she'd think of that technique. "Nope..." I say, still crying. Why is she asking me these stupid questions? "You sure?" she's looking in my closet/ the place where she keeps all HER stuff. I just love all my privacy. "Mom, just--" I stop myself. I start to cry harder. "Ok... do you want to do something with me?" should I? No, I'll have to see dad if I do. "I don't know... like what?" "I don't know... bake something?" Oh god... come on Emma... cookies? No... no she'll not actually do it with me. And anyway dad would comment something mean if I went into the kitchen. "I don't know..." "I'm not mad at you you know..." Mom, I know that! Just go away... I don't think I'll reply... "Well if you get sick of being alone I'm down stairs." She leaves.

I hear her foot steps as she goes downstairs.

Oh god... I'm already getting sick of being alone... maybe I'll get dressed and ask to go to Red Wing with her? Maybe... she might say no though. I'm getting hungry... she offered to make cookies...? Ugh, no I already said no to that, and anyway she'd probably say, "I don't know if we have enough of everything to make them..." and then I'd be stuck watching football with my dad. Not really something I'm up for so far... I know, I'll call my own house from Madie's cell phone, ask for her, and then say, "Mom, it's Emma... could we go to Red Wing?" ... no that's lame... I'll just get dressed and suck it up I guess.... I have 30$ in my wallet right now... I'll ask to go to Red Wing.

I trip. I fall. I swim. I sink.