My heart feels like it did when Uncle Stephen died...
Well, not as bad. OBVIOUSLY but the same kind of deal. Really heavy. Like it's at the back of my body, laying there. (oh, good images)
I think i might know what this feeling is called. Panic. I'm not 'panicing' but i'm having the panic feeling. Honestly, i don't know how i'm going to do it tomorrow. It's really not that big of a deal, i know. It's just going back to school, right? But i'm SO out of the whole school thing. i'm still in summer mode. It's almost hard to breathe. I'm very confident i'll do fine, but the little thought in the back of my mind keeps taking me down. What if you don't do fine? How could i not do fine? It's only the start of school!!! why am i so scared?!?!?!
Oh yeah. because it's a new school. I'm not moving, all my same friends will be there. It's just a new school. And i have no idea where i'm going.
Writing this down is making it worse. But if feels good at the same time. My heart doesn't feel QUITE as heavy. But still, panic.
Who am i going to hang out with? Emily? But to tell you the truth i don't get along that well with emily's friends. and of COURSE emily will hang out with her friends, that's a given. Maybe it will just be me and rachel. But rachel might hang out with Morgan, even if morgan is a !@#$. (I'm sorry but that's really the only word for morgan.) So what will i do? Emily's friends aren't THAT bad. And i would hang out with Lydia all the time but she's a grade above. we won't have ANY classes together. Lunch. Woopty bleeping doo. And even then we won't be able to sit by each other. and once again, i don't even like who she hangs out with.
Maybe i should form my own group of misfits. too bad i don't know that many. It'd be me, the nose-picker, the i-hate-the-world girl, and... the counselor-who-no-one-likes-because-she-doesn't-help-at-all. Once again, woopty bleeping doo. Sounds like the gang for me!!!
Ugh, this isn't helping anymore. I'm going to hang out with emily. I've made this a WAAAAAY bigger problem then it really is. I know it. but there's no way to stop my mind!!! STOP MIND STOP!!!
...
nope it didn't work.
I'll be fine. I know it. My heart is ALMOST in the right place.
I think i need a hug.
Monday, September 6, 2010
This is the email i just sent to my best friend Emily. We're best friends now by the way. well... she's my best friend. which is kinda sad if it doesn't go both ways... but i know i'm ONE of her best friends!!! oh my god. i'm so pathetic... anyway this is what i just sent her via facebook!
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emily. at school you'll be like, my only friend. well, i have other FRIENDS but ya know. i like you. :) hehe and PLUS i'll need somebody who knows about the whole morgan thing. to help me avoid her. :D and i bet she'll try to ruin my day tomorrow... O.o well maybe not. but MAYBE! and i need to give her her shirt tomorrow too and you should come... or not... but do... well you don't have to. :)
i guess everything's OK between rachel and i. she never REALLY did anything wrong. she said she doesn't want to hang around with morgan either. (but morgan doesn't know that) and i'm hoping that rachel stands up to morgan like i did.
other then that i'm seriously freaking out.
well, not that bad. but kinda. i'm scared. but REALLY REALLY EXCITED!!! tomorrow the temp. is a high of SIXTY TWO! my dad said!!! holy god. i'm glad bc i want to wear skinny jeans and i was afraid it would be too hot.
it's raining... dang it.
i've been reading all day because of the weather. way to end the summer!!! stupid rain!!! and it's not even lightning. it's just raining. :P
but the best part of tomorrow will be seeing YOU and MADDY and LYDIA and CHLOE and ANNIE and RACHEL (i'm including her) and EVERYONE ELSE! like everyone! :D
you know how i was/am friends with isabell/bee? well at orientation she totally ignored me. what the heck? it was weird but i guess if she's gonna do that then that's fine. i feel like a lot of my friends are totally leaving me. well... i left morgan, but idk. if bee leaves then the only person from my "group" last year will be rachel. which i guess is ok. but sad still you know? anyway i'm super excited for tomorrow. i set my clock for SIX OCLOCK AM!!! OMGIZZLE! and i'm gonna get to school at 7:45. i still have to set up my mirror in my locker too. i forgot that when we went decorating.
also i've been going over my map over and over again. have you? idk if i'm just being weird. but it's helping. :) aaannnd i'm just basically telling you all my thoughts right now!!! yay!!!
it's really gloomy and i hope it's better 2morrow. bc you guys have to walk to the school. (burn) but that will be fine bc i'll just be in the car with my MOM and you guys will be walking with your BFFS. so lucky you!!! grrr.
we should meet at the school. because i don't know what i'll do if i'm alone in the school. it'd be sad. GUILT!! sorry if i just made you feel like you have to!!! i didn't mean to. i really will be fine if we don't walk in together! I WON'T DIE! DON'T WORRY!
how is madi going to get to school everyday? is she going to have her mom drive her? i suppose so. or her dad. bc she can't walk anymore. i never thought of that!
emily. why aren't you online? i have to write this all alone. this kinda sucks not gonna lie. i'm suddenly feeling depressed.
ugh.
where did all the chocolate in my house go!?!?!?!??! WHAT THE HECK????
oh well.
i'll just read. since you're not there. poopy pants. :P
see you tomorrow!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!
-------------------------------
emily. at school you'll be like, my only friend. well, i have other FRIENDS but ya know. i like you. :) hehe and PLUS i'll need somebody who knows about the whole morgan thing. to help me avoid her. :D and i bet she'll try to ruin my day tomorrow... O.o well maybe not. but MAYBE! and i need to give her her shirt tomorrow too and you should come... or not... but do... well you don't have to. :)
i guess everything's OK between rachel and i. she never REALLY did anything wrong. she said she doesn't want to hang around with morgan either. (but morgan doesn't know that) and i'm hoping that rachel stands up to morgan like i did.
other then that i'm seriously freaking out.
well, not that bad. but kinda. i'm scared. but REALLY REALLY EXCITED!!! tomorrow the temp. is a high of SIXTY TWO! my dad said!!! holy god. i'm glad bc i want to wear skinny jeans and i was afraid it would be too hot.
it's raining... dang it.
i've been reading all day because of the weather. way to end the summer!!! stupid rain!!! and it's not even lightning. it's just raining. :P
but the best part of tomorrow will be seeing YOU and MADDY and LYDIA and CHLOE and ANNIE and RACHEL (i'm including her) and EVERYONE ELSE! like everyone! :D
you know how i was/am friends with isabell/bee? well at orientation she totally ignored me. what the heck? it was weird but i guess if she's gonna do that then that's fine. i feel like a lot of my friends are totally leaving me. well... i left morgan, but idk. if bee leaves then the only person from my "group" last year will be rachel. which i guess is ok. but sad still you know? anyway i'm super excited for tomorrow. i set my clock for SIX OCLOCK AM!!! OMGIZZLE! and i'm gonna get to school at 7:45. i still have to set up my mirror in my locker too. i forgot that when we went decorating.
also i've been going over my map over and over again. have you? idk if i'm just being weird. but it's helping. :) aaannnd i'm just basically telling you all my thoughts right now!!! yay!!!
it's really gloomy and i hope it's better 2morrow. bc you guys have to walk to the school. (burn) but that will be fine bc i'll just be in the car with my MOM and you guys will be walking with your BFFS. so lucky you!!! grrr.
we should meet at the school. because i don't know what i'll do if i'm alone in the school. it'd be sad. GUILT!! sorry if i just made you feel like you have to!!! i didn't mean to. i really will be fine if we don't walk in together! I WON'T DIE! DON'T WORRY!
how is madi going to get to school everyday? is she going to have her mom drive her? i suppose so. or her dad. bc she can't walk anymore. i never thought of that!
emily. why aren't you online? i have to write this all alone. this kinda sucks not gonna lie. i'm suddenly feeling depressed.
ugh.
where did all the chocolate in my house go!?!?!?!??! WHAT THE HECK????
oh well.
i'll just read. since you're not there. poopy pants. :P
see you tomorrow!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Holy god... no really. Holy GOD.
Tomorrow's the last day of summer... School starts september 7th.
Wait... it's september? Since when did it become september? I thought it was August still... didn't madie JUST have her birthday? well... her birthday IS august 28... so i guess it was already the end of august...
but come on.
HOLY GOD.
School starts like... in two days! not even! one day! it's 8:15 so really in a couple of hours it'll be the last day of summer...
a leaf just fell. i did NOT just see a leaf fall...
wait... wasn't i excited about school a second ago?
YAY SCHOOL'S STARTING! OMG THIS ROCKS!!!!!!!!
what am i saying? this does not "rock". this is very sad.
WHAT AM I SAYING! I CAN'T WAIT! SCHOOL IS AWESOME! I'm super excited!!! i'm so confident! i'll do fine! i'm picking out my outfit right now!!!
wait... what if it's hot on the first day? *checks weather* it's going to be 75... but that's half way to 80... hmmm... but i don't have any cool summer clothes!
75 is cold! i love school that means that fall is starting and that i get to wear whatever i want! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my teachers are going to be cool too!!!
wait... so should i wear my skinny jeans or not? god, why does it have to be one of those inbetween degrees. why not just 70 or just 80? 75 isn't hot or cold. it's... 75. SEVENTY !@#$%^EN FIVE!!! why!!! why!?!?!?!?
wait... this is good! i can wear anything i want!
well not anything. the school has heating but not air conditioning.
but it shouldn't use the heating if it's 75!
but what if it's colder then 75 and i dress for 75 but the school has the heating on so it's hot inside? what if i get pit stains?
you're wearing a white shirt. they won't show. just don't wear grey.
but if i wear my white shirt tomorrow!!!
don't wear your white shirt tomorrow then! for god's sake it's only one day
but a lot can happen in one day!!!
NO IT CAN'T! NOT A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN ONE DAY!
unless that is, mom tries to clean my room because i didn't and she washes my white shirt for no reason.
then hide the shirt.
the shirt is hidden but what if i can't find it!?!?!?
unhid the shirt then!
ok... but... BUT... BUT!!!!!!!!
EMMA CALM THE CRAP DOWN YOU'LL BE FINE!!!
fine. you're right! i will be fine! i'll be fine... *shakes back and forth in a ball* everyhting is going to be alright... inhale... exhale... inhale... wait... did i exhale twice!?!?!? what if i die because i forgot to breathe!!!! I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!!!!! I'M CHOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M CHOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
emma. you're fine.
I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
shut up! you'll be fine tomorrow and nothing will be wrong. just chill.
well of course i'll be fine TOMORROW! by then i'll have died. because i can't breathe! duh!
wow. just... wow.
anyway either way i won't be fine. summer's ending. i basically told it to go away. and now it has... COME BACK SUMMER!!!! COME BACK!!!!!
you know that you're going insane. you need school. more then ever.
i am NOT going insane. i'm just... i'm just...
insane?
NO! i'm... i'm... I'M... I'M JUST MENTALLY DISPLACED!
wow. that makes so much sense.
oh be quiet. you know it does.
do i? DO I?
I DON'T KNOW IF I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wow... well... bye then
bye! see you tomorrow!
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..
...
....
......
....
...
..
.
^^^ i just broke my own rule to never use those things. but i think it brought me back to my senses. i'm officially excited for school!
you sure about that?
um...
.
.
.
there's really nothing i can do, is there?
Tomorrow's the last day of summer... School starts september 7th.
Wait... it's september? Since when did it become september? I thought it was August still... didn't madie JUST have her birthday? well... her birthday IS august 28... so i guess it was already the end of august...
but come on.
HOLY GOD.
School starts like... in two days! not even! one day! it's 8:15 so really in a couple of hours it'll be the last day of summer...
a leaf just fell. i did NOT just see a leaf fall...
wait... wasn't i excited about school a second ago?
YAY SCHOOL'S STARTING! OMG THIS ROCKS!!!!!!!!
what am i saying? this does not "rock". this is very sad.
WHAT AM I SAYING! I CAN'T WAIT! SCHOOL IS AWESOME! I'm super excited!!! i'm so confident! i'll do fine! i'm picking out my outfit right now!!!
wait... what if it's hot on the first day? *checks weather* it's going to be 75... but that's half way to 80... hmmm... but i don't have any cool summer clothes!
75 is cold! i love school that means that fall is starting and that i get to wear whatever i want! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my teachers are going to be cool too!!!
wait... so should i wear my skinny jeans or not? god, why does it have to be one of those inbetween degrees. why not just 70 or just 80? 75 isn't hot or cold. it's... 75. SEVENTY !@#$%^EN FIVE!!! why!!! why!?!?!?!?
wait... this is good! i can wear anything i want!
well not anything. the school has heating but not air conditioning.
but it shouldn't use the heating if it's 75!
but what if it's colder then 75 and i dress for 75 but the school has the heating on so it's hot inside? what if i get pit stains?
you're wearing a white shirt. they won't show. just don't wear grey.
but if i wear my white shirt tomorrow!!!
don't wear your white shirt tomorrow then! for god's sake it's only one day
but a lot can happen in one day!!!
NO IT CAN'T! NOT A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN ONE DAY!
unless that is, mom tries to clean my room because i didn't and she washes my white shirt for no reason.
then hide the shirt.
the shirt is hidden but what if i can't find it!?!?!?
unhid the shirt then!
ok... but... BUT... BUT!!!!!!!!
EMMA CALM THE CRAP DOWN YOU'LL BE FINE!!!
fine. you're right! i will be fine! i'll be fine... *shakes back and forth in a ball* everyhting is going to be alright... inhale... exhale... inhale... wait... did i exhale twice!?!?!? what if i die because i forgot to breathe!!!! I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!!!!! I'M CHOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M CHOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
emma. you're fine.
I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
shut up! you'll be fine tomorrow and nothing will be wrong. just chill.
well of course i'll be fine TOMORROW! by then i'll have died. because i can't breathe! duh!
wow. just... wow.
anyway either way i won't be fine. summer's ending. i basically told it to go away. and now it has... COME BACK SUMMER!!!! COME BACK!!!!!
you know that you're going insane. you need school. more then ever.
i am NOT going insane. i'm just... i'm just...
insane?
NO! i'm... i'm... I'M... I'M JUST MENTALLY DISPLACED!
wow. that makes so much sense.
oh be quiet. you know it does.
do i? DO I?
I DON'T KNOW IF I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wow... well... bye then
bye! see you tomorrow!
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..
...
....
......
....
...
..
.
^^^ i just broke my own rule to never use those things. but i think it brought me back to my senses. i'm officially excited for school!
you sure about that?
um...
.
.
.
there's really nothing i can do, is there?
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