watching Awkward. when you're confused about your own "relationship" can really emotionally mess you up. i think i may need to DTR with a certain someone.

this someone and i have been doing really well. sitting by each other, smiling in the hallway, texting (until my phone oh-so-conveniently broke), accidentally holding hands on the bus for like two seconds... THINGS HAVE BEEN PRETTY GOOD. but i'm afraid i may be getting friend zoned.

i mean, what counts as a sign?

i really hope this guy is thinking the same thing about me as i am about him. are we friends, or something more? has he ever thought of me like that?

and what's more, is that i witnessed emily a. keeping something from me. it was a picture of a text message she got from someone, but she wouldn't show me. this is suspicious, because the whole reason why we aren't friends any more is because she was texting MY certain someone. she had edited the screenshot of the text, with some quote on the side. it said something emo and depressing on the side, like "guess you'll never love me..." or "all that work for nothing..." because she's that kind of girl.

i have a feeling it was from him, and she didn't want to show me because she knew it would tick me off. she showed morgan though, and they whispered all secretive during choir, even though i was sitting right next to them.

whatever. i'm not afraid of emily as competition, who i'm afraid of is the other girls in his grade. he has a lot of friends that are girls... but he's certainly NOT gay. his grade is different from mine. they're all really mixed in, mostly because the girls are total sluts. those girls are who i have to worry about.

friday night on instagram there was a picture of him surrounded by these girls, and he was sitting extra close to a girl named mariah. i wanted to barf and scream at the same time. like, what the heck? am i really being friend zoned?

if i was the only one feeling something this whole time, then something must be seriously wrong with me.

tonight emma g. and i were talking about why we think our grade is so separated- boys |  girls- and we decided it was because we have nice girls AND nice guys, and everyone has a crush on everyone. emma says that everyone has their boy equivalent.

but we couldn't decide who, in our grade, was mine.

then i started to think,
     do i only like him because he's the only reasonable choice, or is he actually someone special?

maybe i'm in a haze, and because i've known him so long, the only reason why i like him is because there's no one better to choose from.

emma also said that i need to DTR with him. somehow i need to figure out our situation.

somehow emma has quickly climbed the social ladder, which is dumb, but now she has the guy of her dreams falling all over her. she found out that he liked her by playing "Truth or Truth" at a sleepover. she thinks i should do it with him, but i don't know. i'm not good with the whole, being unbiased thing, and i would probably blush and giggle and just overall fail miserably.



WHAT IS MY LIFE.