today has been a really long day.

after i got home from a sleepover, everything felt like it was moving in slow motion.

it was one of those days where you sit in your bed and think about life for so long that after a while you forget how you went from being at your front door, to your bed room.

sometimes i wonder if my being able to do this- sit in my room and think for what feels like minutes but is really hours- is healthy or not. do normal people take time out of their days to think about all aspects of their life, until they have thought about it so much that instead of understanding it all, they still have the same problems, but they're looking at it from the opposite side of the spectrum.

while writing that sentence i forgot how it began, so i'm sorry if it was supposed to be a question but ended up as a statement.

for the past week or two, i forgot when it all began, i've been kicking my cat out of my bed every time she tried to lay in it. one of these reasons is because her claws snag the covers, but the less legitimate reason is that i'm sick of her hogging all the space.

which is sort of stupid because i'm a human and she's a cat, but her confidence makes it seem like i have to obey her, because i will never have as much power she does. sometimes i forget that she's a cat and i'm a human, just because she has three times the amount of confidence that i have.

i never used to think that i wasn't a confident person. i always accept compliments, and some days i even wake up thinking, "hey, you're better than anyone else." which is really self centered, but isn't that sort of what confidence is? being proud of who you are?

one of my greatest fears is becoming one of those arrogant assholes who make it pretty obvious that they think that they are "the shit." this is why after i think that i'm pretty great, i immediately feel like a terrible person and remind myself that i'm too young to make a difference.

which is sort of sad really. being too young to make a difference. teachers and people that come to schools to teach the "next generation" about being a good person always say that everyone can make anything happen if they want it hard enough, but really that's just a load of garbage. i honestly do not believe that any measure i take against bullying will stop people from being idiots. you can't change people's minds. i used to think that you can, but you really truly can't.

all of this is sort of depressing and i'm sure it isn't making your day any better, but if it helps, it isn't helping me a whole lot either.

the other day i decided that i really want to be a youtuber.

i just feel like i could reach through to people if they actually saw me face to face. this want is also met with the fear of not being accepted by my parents. 

i'm terrible at keeping things from my parents, so last month i asked my mom if it would be ok if i had a youtube channel. for a few seconds, or in my world minutes, she looked at me sort of confused. then she asked what i would do. i got nervous and said what i knew she would approve of... a cooking channel. i honestly do not know why that was the first thing i would say, because i knew that i had no intention of going through all the work to figure your recipes, and somehow do them well and avoid being ridiculed by people in the world watching it telling me about how wrong i am at everything.

so yesterday i had my friend over and we made something. i've edited it, and put it up on youtube. it was a lot of fun to make, and i'm really glad i finally got something out there, but i'm also sort of sad that i've gotten myself into a project that i truthfully do not want to do. i just don't want to have that sort of channel.

this all sounds like a very pathetic problem in my life, but it's sort of symbolic to the way i work with my family.

i feel like the only person that knows about how my mind works is my sister. and i've told you this before, but she's the only one i'm not afraid to talk about deep and sort of depressing things with, because i know that she's thought the same things, or has no judgement about what i'm telling her. i also know that i never have to explain the way something feels, because she somehow always already knows. 

for example, if i told her that some guy looked at me weird in the hallway, i wouldn't even need to tell her any more before she will have already reassured me that he's just some idiot in a small midwestern town and i shouldn't worry about it because i'm way better than he is anyway. i love that.

also i'm worried about this youtube thing because all my friends at school know me for being the funny eccentric one. which is fine, i'm sure i would still be funny and weird on youtube, but i don't want to deal with going to school and them asking about why my last video was so depressing and trippy, as i would like to make my videos. not trippy like, druggy weird because i do drugs (i do not do drugs), but trippy like how my mind works sometimes. 

i'm the kind of person that can look at a wall and imagine it as being the sky, and my standing up is really like laying down, because the whole world is tilted.

when i was little i used to stare at the ceiling and pretend that it was the ground, and that i was sitting on the sky. after a while i would completely convince myself, and get freaked out and start grabbing onto the couch because i was afraid of floating away.

if i told my friends this they would laugh and ask if i was alright.

i'm sorry for this post being really long and all over the place, but i literally just took this out of my head, and haven't been worrying about sticking to a topic.

i wish i was more creative.